subscribe
/ Sign Out

England to keep doing cricket

ENGLAND has decided to keep doing cricket despite overwhelming evidence that it is just not for them,

After being demolished by everyone, England have suffered fresh defeats at a different kind of cricket, suggesting that any variation on the game is beyond them.

However England have announced plans to keep cricketing away for the rest of the year because it is fun.

England cricket man Tim Bresnan said: “Cricket’s great, you get to wear your pyjamas all day and there’s free sandwiches.

“I suppose it’d be nice to win a game or two, but that’s not really what cricket’s about, is it?”

Giles Clarke, England’s cricket-in-chief, said: “We’re going to keep on doing cricket until it kills us, or until we win a series against someone who isn’t Bangladesh.

“But merely being terrible isn’t a reason to stop doing cricket. We are, after all, still doing football.”

 

Noah 'won respect of animals by fighting them'

BIBLICAL hero Noah fought all the animals on the ark to prove his dominance, according to the producers of a new Russell Crowe film.

Noah depicts the boat-builder having fist fights with increasingly large beast as they challenge him for the role of ‘pack leader’.

Producer Tom Logan said: “For me, the story of Noah’s ark is about what happens when a bunch of tough-talking, blue collar creatures spend 24 hours a day cooped up on a ship.

“Obviously tensions are going to flare, and they’re going to settle their differences the only way they know how – with their fists. Or rather their clenched paws.

“They didn’t write about it in the Bible because of censorship but it’s obvious that would happen. I mean, have you ever tried taking a cat on holiday? It’s a nightmare.”

Anglican bishop Roy Hobbs said: “There is also no mention of the ark having a bar where animals traded macho banter about their sexual conquests.

“Also, Noah was 600 years old when the floodwaters came. It’s highly unlikely a man of that age could take on a mountain lion, a horse and a gnu simultaneously without being seriously mauled or killed.

“Frankly I doubt it’s even possible to knock out an elephant with a flying roundhouse kick.”

Film critic Donna Sheridan said: “Discussing realism in a film about Noah’s ark is pointless in the extreme. But I did feel the scene where Noah pretends to let a wise-cracking chinchilla win a fight went too far.”

Next story ›