ENGLISH football fans were scouring South African guide books last night as the search began for the best places to fight and piss.
England's emphatic 5-1 victory over Croatia maintained the team's 100% qualification record, with pundits predicting the country may finally have a squad that could keep its fans fighting and pissing all the way to the final.
Travel writer Tom Logan said: "South Africa is an exciting country with a breathtaking landscape, friendly people and vibrant cities that are just crying out to be covered in broken glass and completely drenched in English urine."
Meanwhile sophisticated England fans are using Google Earth to gain a bird's eye view of cities including Johannesburg, Durban and Cape Town, allowing them to quickly home-in on tree-lined squares and other open spaces where they could get a good run at some Dutch people who have been minding their own business.
Stephen Malley, a grade-four bastard from Doncaster, said: "I hope we get Venezuela in our group. I've always wanted to meet someone from Venezuela, compare the finer points of our two cultures and then put the fucker in hospital."
Roy Hobbs, a veteran public urinator from Grantham said: "Durban looks like it might have a couple of very quaint, colonial-style fighting squares and, according to Lonely Planet, it also has some really lovely antique shops that you can piss against."
He added: "Hopefully we'll have time to go on a safari. I want to get as close as I can to South Africa's magnificent wildlife and then hit it very hard in the face with a plastic chair."
South African policeman, Dirk DeVeldt, said: "Oi am very glad that England have qualified for the finals. Oi haven't shot someone in the back for a long, long time."
