subscribe
/ Sign Out

Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo

ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.

The club, frustrated with the inflated prices of the current transfer market, developed revolutionary new technology to cross realities in the hope of finding one that offered better value.

Manager Arsene Wenger said: “The current system is a scar on the face on football. I kept saying to myself ‘there is no way on this Earth Bale is worth £86 million.’

“Then I listened to my own wise words, and resolved to find an Earth where midfield playmakers are more sensibly priced.

“It took time because on the vast majority of parallel earths the Nazis won the war so Bayern Munich had all the best players and anyone who wanted to buy one of them would be shot.”

He added: “Eventually I found Earth Equitable, where the market is reasonable, where a manager can buy players without their jackal agents interfering, and where Jimmy Hill – that demon in human form – never existed to abolish the wages cap.”

Wenger’s alternate-Earth spending spree netted him Ronaldo for £5.5 million and Italian striker Andrea Pirlo for £2.4 million. He also swapped the Theo Walcott of our Earth for one who can score goals.

Arsenal’s new transfer policy has been slammed by rival Premier League clubs but has been most fiercely criticised by Earth Equitable’s Arsene Wenger who described the current system as a ‘scar on the face on football’ while standing next to his newly-built time machine.

Britain best in Europe at taking drugs

BRITAIN is the best country in Europe at getting toasted, according to new research.

Experts found that British highs are more intense and longer lasting and that our come-downs are more physically demanding and emotionally chaotic.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The Germans over-think it and end up with a highly regimented way of getting buzzed.

“Their coke lines are very straight and their joints look like they were made in a factory. ”

Professor Brubaker said that Spanish and Italian drug taking had improved because of their ruined economies, but the typical Latin high was still ‘messy, noisy and lacking in substance’.

Meanwhile, French drug taking was difficult to measure as it seemed to have no effect, one way or another, on the functioning of French society.

The study also found that the once mighty Dutch, who invented ‘total drug taking’ in the early 1970s, were now hampered by debates about coffee shops, while British people were chomping pills simply because they come in such pretty colours.

Professor Brubaker added: “We are entering a golden age of being off your tits in Britain. Well done everyone. Absolutely splendid.”

Next story ›