Southgate asked to stay until he f**ks up and is fired

England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling

THE England team are to spend tomorrow completing an ascent up Germany’s tallest mountain in an ill-timed motivational exercise. 

The treacherous climb up the 2,962m Zugspitze via the Höllental gorge takes place tomorrow, leaving players very little time to rest before Sunday’s final against a team who have not climbed a mountain the day before.

Gareth Southgate said: “I didn’t know we’d be in the final. I thought it would make a useful metaphor.

“I agree the timing isn’t ideal, but the lads fancied it so I made the booking. If I cancel now we’ll lose our deposit for the guides, jeeps and a meal of wiener schnitzel with a single stein of low-alcohol lager up at the summit.

“As a team-building exercise it really reinforces that we all depend on each other to succeed, but there is a non-zero chance we may lose Kobbie Mainoo down a crevasse and that could hurt us on the pitch.”

He added: “Don’t worry, we’ll be alright getting down. We’re all having our first-ever go of wingsuits.”