OF the names bandied around to be next England manager, most would rather be fired out of a cannon into Jordan Pickford. But there are always fools:
Would not consider for a second being England manager: Jürgen Klopp
He’s German, he’s fled England exhausted with our incessant demands, he’s Jamie XX’s hypeman at Berlin DJ gigs. Why? Why would he want to?
No chance: Pep Guardiola
May well be free after November when City’s wealth is torn away to leave them naked and afraid, but England? With those players? ‘I think not,’ he sniffs.
Are you taking the piss?: Thomas Tuchel
You don’t manage Chelsea, PSG and Bayern Munich without a healthy respect for cash. England? England are a retirement cottage by the sea on a modest pension.
Already manages England: Sabrina Wiegman
England fans (men) believe themselves progressive for considering Wiegman. Wiegman believes abandoning the England team (women) would be unconscionable and doesn’t know what she would talk to Kyle Walker about.
Just no: Kieran McKenna
Ipswich Town manager has already turned down Manchester United because he didn’t want two wasted years of underachievement on his record, and you offer him this?
Non, f**k off: Zinedine Zidane
Widely thought to be waiting for the right job to come along. Deeply insulted you would consider this to be it.
Can you come back in two years?: Eddie Howe
Wouldn’t mind, but now? Just when Newcastle are doing alright, City might crash out and we’ll be the richest state-owned team around? Can he pencil you in for 2026?
We’ll do it as a team: Lampard-Gerrard
The midfield partnership that kept success firmly at arm’s length from 2000-2014, ready to link up again as managers for a series of miscommunications leading to hilarious incidents like a classic English farce.
I’m going to have to take this, aren’t I?: Graham Potter
Former Brighton manager who finds himself in the frame without an excuse, Potter’s England will not qualify for the World Cup. He will leave, suitably chastened, for the challenge of getting Watford into the Championship play-offs.
