WITH only ten days to go until the election, the Tories are running out of time to squeeze in their final remaining scandals. Including these will be tight:
Rishi Sunak’s unlicensed Star Wars fan fiction, Tuesday
The prime minister’s archive of Star Wars stories, sold digitally for profit, are a crime against copyright and creativity. Written using AI, they do nothing but recycle set pieces: the Emperor gets frozen in carbonite, Boba Fett tells Jabba the Hutt he’s their father, Wicket the Ewok and Princess Leia make love and have a child. The last seems like a cry for help.
Michelle Mone’s late-night eBay purchases, Thursday
Baroness Mone spent her PPE earnings on an £80m yacht, obviously. But eBay is where she goes to hurt. From callously snatching Pokemon cards from children to outbidding you on a Dalek replica with two seconds to go, she ruins lives and dreams ruthlessly. She had that clock you wanted then threw it in the bin.
Jacob Rees-Mogg collects daguerrotypes of women’s ankles, Sunday
Sleaze, as ever with the Tories, rears its ugly head when the member for North East Somerset is exposed as having a collection of pale chambermaid’s ankle shots which he regularly manipulates his Mr Perkins to. He attempts to get out of it by claiming they are pictures of horse-drawn seed drills.
Priti Patel’s £820,000 volcano lair makeover, Monday
Expense claims for an orbital death laser, pool of trained mutant sharks and a cybernetic henchman surface, and Patel is in the frame. She explains that her artificial island in the Pacific, complete with 350ft carving of her awful face, is an asset for Britain and a worthy use of HS2 funds. Did it work? No, the spy blew it up and escaped, but still.
Liz Truss is a puppet, next Wednesday
Not in the metaphorical ‘puppet of the new global order’ sense but an actual puppet with a team of six trained operators. Liz was brought to life for a cancelled reality show but the truth concealed because it was felt the public was not ready for a minister controlled with rods and wires. Her empty shell on a hook is the headline of every paper on polling day.
Boris Johnson’s affair with every woman in Britain, polling day
Jennifer Arcuri is just the tip of the adultery iceberg. Boris Johnson has had it off with every woman in the land, from your mum to Camilla. Olivia Coleman, your dental hygienist, statues of Queen Victoria, they’ve all had a go. Fiona Bruce won’t address it on Question Time because she still thinks fondly of their night of passion.
