IS your lack of ink hurting your career? Are you being turned down before interview because you haven’t got at least a sleeve? These careers are tattoo-only:
Chef
The connection between arranging slivers of steamed fish, micro herbs and jus reductions on a plate and covering your torso in painful designs is hard to fathom but real. Overcompensating for doing a girl’s job? Possibly. Certainly it only affects men, or Nigella would have a dragon winding up her leg, jaws on her soft inner thigh. And she hasn’t.
Footballer
Running about in shorts, incredibly fit, in front of millions is as good a reason to get tattooed as any. At least it will be seen. If you earn £200k a week you have to spend it on something, it can’t be drugs or gambling, and it’s the only surface in a televised football game that isn’t sponsored. Though expect Fifa to look into that.
Sailor
Fair enough: long hours at sea, nothing to do, nothing to make art on but the bloke next to you. Historically they’d have a tattoo of a swallow to mark every 5,000 nautical miles they’d travelled. Today they have the name of their child in massive gothic letters because Beckham did it.
Barista
The economics are a conundrum. Minimum wage and you can afford that many? Even if they are those Harry Styles ones that look like you passed out pissed and all your mates drew on you. The scandalously uninked won’t find work in any decent coffee shop. They’ll be turned down flat because they deserve to go live a little first.
Roadie
If you’re accompanying a band on tour – especially a metal band – then you need the correct qualifications. Tattoos on both arms, chest, back, neck and face an advantage. Willingness to be bullied into getting the logo of the band you’re humping monitors for on your arse will get you the job, only to be regretted when you get fired for punching Blackie Lawless.
Tattooist
Necessary for your customers to trust you, though really they’re trusting whoever did your tattoos. Get some of the slicker designs from your walls to serve as a living hoarding for your own business. Spellcheck rigorously.
