PRISONERS given the vote would unanimously vote Conservative, they have confirmed. 

Men with teardrops biro-tattooed on their faces pledged their support for government policies including the decriminalisation of shoplifting and widespread, unregulated Covid fraud.

Convicted drug dealer Nathan Muir said: “Tory policies may not be popular with the public at large, but they’re a big hit with the average short-timer slopping out on Cell Block D.

“Open tolerance of tax evasion? Underfunding the justice system? Making cigs illegal to provide us with an extra income stream? What’s not to like?

“They understand the needs of the small businessman struggling with the realities of running a citywide cocaine distribution network. Honestly I think Rishi missed his calling there.”

HMP Belmarsh Governor Norman Steele said: “It’s hardly surprising, since the boys in here hate paedophiles, hate foreigners and believe in grabbing as much cash as they can and bugger everyone else.

“Plus a few of the older lags remember what perfect gentlemen Jonathan Aitken and Lord Archer were, all helpful and clever like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption.

“The only exceptions are the Category A prisoners in maximum security. They’re a right bunch of f**king headcases, so they’re solidly behind Reform.”