THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible. 

Crowds have flocked to the racing event where they have discovered a mix of maths, posh women in hats, rampant Irishness and hundreds of identical horses is incomprehensible to them.

Estate agent Tom Booker, aged 26, said: “Maybe it’s the gak but I can’t follow a f**king thing. I’ve had the concept of ‘each way’ explained three times, louder and more aggressive each go, but it’s not gone in.

“This copy of the Racing Post is just full of numbers next to phrases like Wendigo and Intense Approach. That can’t be said to have meaning. So I’ve given £50 to a man in a big coat doing sign language, and now I’m going to get pissed.”

Booker then joined a host of other plaid-suited cigar-smoking bald and bearded men and was shortly embroiled in a nice simple fight.

Racing tipster Roy Hobbs said: “None of us understand the event unfolding around us, whether on half a gram of beak or otherwise.

“The secret is to shout and cheer when everyone else is doing so and at the end of each race, go up to a booth or portakabin waving a bit of paper around. They might give you some cash.”