subscribe
/ Sign Out

Lionesses supporters at risk of discovering we don't always win

FANS of the Lionesses since their 2022 Euro win may today face the unpalatable discovery that they do not win every time.

As England face off against Australia in a semi-final this morning, supporters expecting the customary sequence of play – England win and women are brilliant – may instead discover the heart-crushing pain of national loss.

Football writer Helen Archer said: “The thing is, Australia are quite good.

“Also, and this may have gone unnoticed by fans cheering on our every indomitable victory in this tournament, we’ve been playing like shit and barely clung on in that last match.

“And while I know we’re unbeatable because we’re all women together, girlbosses riding a wave of female energy and smashing the patriarchy, that’s actually equally true of the Matildas. They’re women too.

“What we’ve done is allow a football team to represent us, our selves, our hopes and dreams, and could end up crushed and feeling like shit like men do when their teams lose.

“We’ve opened up a thrilling new avenue to allow ourselves to be badly hurt. Just what women needed. Go Lionesses! Please, please win!”

Australia already knows who won due to the time difference

PEOPLE in Australia already know who won today’s semi-final match because they are nine hours ahead.

The host country has already sat through the Women’s World Cup match and is politely keeping schtum about the score until the final whistle blows for viewers in England.

Aussie Wayne Hayes said: “No spoilers of course but, wow. What a nail-biting game. You’re not going to want to miss it.

“I know how you Poms must feel, all those pre-match nerves simmering away. That’s how we felt while you were fast asleep. Don’t worry though, not a single one of us talked about the game on social media so you’re safe to scroll.

“It’s something to do with the hemispheres, I think. That’s why we celebrate New Year’s a few hours before you as well. Don’t get too jealous though, you should see some of the creepy crawlies we’ve got down here!

“One thing’s for sure, either England or Australia have made history by proceeding to the final against Spain. Regardless of the result, women are the ultimate winners at this year’s tournament.”

He added: “You crash out during the penalties. I’m just f**king with you! Or am I? You’ll have to wait and see.”

Next story ›