SUPPORTING the Lionesses, who play Haiti at 10.30am today, means you have a duty to be properly lagered up before the game. Here’s how to get through it:
8.45am: Shower lager
Women notoriously spend too long in the shower, so the first can has to be cracked in there. While applying hot oil to your hair or shaving your armpits ensure you take frequent long swigs from your lager. Drink quickly, before it warms up and becomes disgusting, but not so quickly that you become dizzy and have to steady yourself on the glass.
9.15am: Breakfast lager
Not every breakfast goes well with lager. Yogurt and berries, as typically enjoyed by women in adverts, becomes particularly unpalatable. Cereal tastes too meek alongside a can of Red Stripe. A cooked full English is not only patriotic but a perfect accompaniment to your chosen hooligan fuel, and will help it slip easily down.
9.45am: Dressing room lager
In the absence of an England top to pop on – because women’s football fandom is Rizla-thin and doesn’t extend to their sartorial choices – getting dressed will be the usual faff. You should be feeling more than usually merry by now, so slap an outfit together with lager in hand and don’t worry about it matching anything. Make-up application should be carefree.
10.15am: Pre-game lager
At this point you should be so pissed your lagers practically open themselves and your hand feels empty without a can. Time to settle down for the pre-game analysis, which will be a load of f**king bollocks giving whoever’s facing England half a chance even though they’re shit and going to to get f**king tonked. Drain the final can of your four as the whistle for kick-off is blown. You are now ready to start drinking seriously.
