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Another six days before we know if Southgate is a national hero or useless twat

THERE is slightly less than a week to go until England can be certain whether Gareth Southgate is a national treasure or a disgrace.

Having narrowly scraped through against Slovakia, England now faces an agonising wait to determine whether manager Gareth Southgate should be pelted with even more beer cups or carried through the streets like the second coming of Christ.

Three Lions supporter Steve Malley said: “And there I was thinking he’s a stubborn shithead for keeping Cole Palmer on the bench for so long. Shows what I know. They should put his face on bank notes.

“Clearly he’s lulling the opposition into a false sense of security by telling Kane and the boys to play terribly until the last possible moment. It’s obviously all part of his genius scheming, and we are simply his ignorant pawns.

“I expect Southgate was laughing like a supervillain in the locker room at half-time. The groundwork of his master plan had been successfully laid, now all he had to do was make fans needlessly shit themselves during extra time.

“Of course if we lose to Switzerland then he’s been a clueless f**kwit all along and I’ll burn my waistcoat. 

“Either way I’ll claim to have been right about him the entire time.”

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The womaniser's guide to post-coital etiquette

ARE you a man confused by how much time you should waste after sex cuddling? Chauvinist and self-appointed ‘God’s gift to women’ Wayne Hayes explains.

How long should I cuddle her after sex? 

If at all – and I never bother – then only as long as it takes to get your breath back. Which, if you’re a lean, mean lovin’ machine like me, is about ten seconds. Then go and get cleaned up. That willy isn’t going to wash itself, and you don’t even know her name, so there’s no telling where she’s been.

Should I kiss her afterwards? 

On no account. Women are clingy creatures that, given half a chance, will form awkward romantic bonds with you if you show them too much affection. Nobody wants a bunny boiler getting in the way of the next conquest. Keep the tongue tennis where it belongs, as the only necessary method of foreplay.

Is there any point asking ‘How was it for you?’ 

Why bother? Stallions between the sheets like me already know how good we were, and you’ll only get stupid responses like ‘I wish you’d lasted longer’ or ‘You didn’t make me come’ – like that’s even relevant. Let your cock do the talking – this isn’t a f**king job interview.

Should I stay the night? 

Only if you’re going to be up for round two as soon as you wake. Then the correct thing to do is fart, roll over and go straight to sleep so your scrotum has time to refill before Morning Glory time. If, like most shags, it’s a one-nighter, far better to bugger off post haste. You’d recorded Match of the Day, remember? And avoid the biggest mistake of taking them back to yours to bang them. They’ll be a bugger to get rid of, and it’ll be your bedsheets that’ll need putting on a hot wash the next day.

Should I get her number before leaving? 

It’s always a good idea to get their details down in the little black book. You never know when your shag bank might go overdrawn. See her as a ‘savings account’ you can dip back into – literally – when times are hard – though never as hard as my constantly throbbing manhood. And besides, it’ll help keep your shag tally up to date. You don’t want to quote under the odds when you’re bragging about how many women you’ve ‘plumbed’ to your mates down the pub.

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