THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.
The players represented the nation’s homeworkers by spending 90 minutes doing the equivalent of watching Netflix, scoring two goals in two minutes then settling back on the metaphorical sofa for a further half-hour.
Manager Gareth Southgate said: “We are about results barely achieved with the minimum possible effort. We are England.
“Just as the nation is suffering a productivity crisis with overpaid millions doing little, so we perform on the pitch. The plan was always to score in the 94th minute but Slovakia complicated that so we went into extra time, which we will be billing for.
“Nonetheless, two minutes of work over 120 minutes of football with the rest of the time spent pissing about fruitlessly is how our supporters, our backbone, spend their days.
“In the next match against Switzerland we plan to start strongly and almost immediately fade away, doing just enough to keep me from being fired. If we make the semis we’ll stay up too late the night before and possibly just about edge it, on balance.
“Can someone at home send us Kettle Chips? You can’t buy them out here.”
