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Woman who has never had to use an app giving dating advice

A WOMAN who has never had to download an app and swipe through awful profiles is daring to give dating advice, it has emerged.

Eleanor Shaw met her partner before Tinder and Hinge transformed dating into a dreary exchange of genital photos yet seems to think she knows what she is talking about when it comes to finding love.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “She reckons you can just go up to someone in person and introduce yourself. I think she might be clinically insane.

“Doesn’t she know that dating now involves creating a bullshit impression of yourself with photos from five years ago when you looked hot? Nobody forms an attraction based on personality anymore, we’re just all looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, whatever that means.

“When Eleanor was last single there was still time to save the climate crisis and Toblerones weren’t a pisstake. So pardon me for discarding any advice she might have for being woefully out of date.

“Anything she has to say will sound bizarrely antiquated, like suggesting using a mangle to dry clothes. She hasn’t trawled the wastelands of dating apps in search of a remotely decent person who doesn’t take gym selfies. And until she does, I will not listen to her.”

Shaw said: “Wear a peony in your bonnet and the boys will be clamouring to dance the bunny hop with you. Failing that, slip into something that shows off your baps. Works every time.”

Mash Blind Date: a couple who have already dated each other but have absolutely no clue

CHARLOTTE Tomlinson and Oliver O’Connor have been nominally looking for love and finding only casual sex for some years now. When will they realise they’ve dated before? 

Oliver on Charlie

First impression?

Gorgeous, my type definitely, and with an easy familiarity to her. We just fell into talking so naturally, already on the same wavelength. There was none of that awkwardness.

How was conversation? 

Pretty good – I was telling her about my new job, she was telling me about her new job, we’ve both changed career in the last year. She’s not been on the apps long so when she asked if I had I lied. Don’t want to seem like a player with a girl who’s a prospect.

Memorable moments?

We’d actually been to the same gig about 18 months ago, which was fantastic and we both said the same thing: ‘I wish I’d been there with you instead!’ Apparently she was with some boring twat.

Favourite thing about Charlie? 

Just the way she fits into my world like I’ve found the missing jigsaw piece. And she liked my new beard.

A capsule description? 

Sexy, funny, and a joy to be around. Blonde, but she said she used to have short hair and be brunette. I can almost picture her.

Was there a spark? 

Absolutely. Wait, Charlotte? Because she looks a lot like that girl Lottie who was a fucking mess.

What happened afterwards? 

It was during the pudding course, when she was devouring her crème brûlée with lascivious abandon, that I suddenly remembered we’d dated before. That, in fact, a very similar act to her going at that sweet comestible was burned into my wank bank. But I’d already invited her back to mine and couldn’t back out now. Nor did I want to.

What would you change about the evening? 

I’d say the evening as a whole went very well. Would I have remembered our past earlier? Maybe. Would I have her remember who I was? Maybe not. I was kind of a knobhead that year.

Will you see each other again?  

We’ve already arranged it. I may end up in a long-term relationship with someone who has no memory of our previous short-term relationship. I’m okay with that.

Charlotte on Oliver

First impression?

Okay, he’s hot.

How was conversation? 

Decent; he’s in finance, which is great because I’ve dated enough boring broke losers trying to be creative, he’s not much for Tinder which is good given my past, he likes gigging. We have a lot in common.

Memorable moments?

Yeah there were some, which is good. Unlike my dates of triple gins and secretly vaping weed 18 months ago.

Favourite thing about Oliver? 

He just seems really nice, unlike the up-themselves I’m-writing-a-screenplay wankers I used to go out with. I’m trying to break out of my self-destructive relationship patterns.

A capsule description? 

I wanted to start again with someone new. He seems perfect.

Was there a spark? 

Yeah. He seemed to come to a realisation over pudding. Something in his eyes changed. I think that’s when he fell for me.

What happened afterwards? 

We went back to his place. I don’t have sex on the first date, that’s another new rule, so I just did oral. Nice clean dick, would blow again, that’s my feedback.

What would you change about the evening? 

Nothing, it was all good. I feel like I’ve moved on from the mistakes of my past. The lost years are over and the good times are beginning.

Will you see each other again?  

Definitely. I like him so much, tonight I’m going on a deep dive to delete all the incriminating pictures of other blokes I’ve shagged from my Instagram.

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