From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s most pro-Semitic prime minister
‘ISRAEL wins, whether against Hamas, Egypt, Lebanon or Britain,’ says Netanyahu. ‘Let’s reframe Britain’s contribution positively,’ I say.
Obviously we both know I’m here for the photograph, same as Biden yesterday. We stand with Israel, Israel gets all the aid it needs, I take home a me-and-Bibi shot to enrage the lefties. But he’s very keen on doing a little talk.
‘We need to represent our history with Britain,’ he says, ‘and the British respect the use of force. Like when we bombed your army at the King David Hotel in ’47. The foundation of our state.’
‘How about redirecting that energy,’ I say, just as I did with Boris in lockdown when he invented the £100 Covid Survivor Bonus to encourage its spread, ‘because ’47, British Palestine, you’d think they’d remember but they don’t. Bloody colonials!
‘But you know what they do remember? World War Two. Can we squeeze a reference in to that? Bit of moral equivalence?’
‘Fine,’ he snaps. ‘Personally I think Nazis are hackneyed, but if that’s the audience. And monstrously evil, Isis, all of that. Who else do you people hate? The Irish?’
‘Not currently,’ I say. It’s only been six minutes, but being locked in a room with a resentful man of an alien religion makes it impossible to relax. Now I realise why my daughters hate seeing Father Christmas.
‘Okay,’ Bibi says. ‘We get your selfie, you go home. Invoice to follow. Now sit on my knee.’
