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Vapes to be taxed by how stupid they smell

VAPES are to be taxed according to how stupid their plume of candy-flavoured smoke smells, it has emerged.

The government’s proposed vaping tax at next week’s Budget will operate on an escalating scale from ‘smells like lighter fluid’ to ‘candy floss-scented bullshit’ and impose financial penalties depending on where the e-liquid falls.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Anything fruit-flavoured will be worst hit. If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to be downwind of a sickly cloud of raspberry fog, you’ll know why.

“Mint, Jaebergbomb and apple pie flavours will also incur a substantial levy. Vapers are meant to be drug addicts, not branches of Lush, so it’s high time they were encouraged to start acting and smelling like them.

“Juices that reek of white spirit or glue on the other hand will be much cheaper. It’s important to help out the small businesses who make these flavours, especially if they can protect us from inhaling ghastly watermelon fumes.

“Of course we suspect the vaping tax will be unpopular, so we’re going to give it a trendy name to appeal to today’s youth. Something like Daddy Hunt’s Vape Liquid Budget Burst. Although even that risks sounding too cool.”

15-year-old vaper Jack Browne said: “It is with regret that you leave me no alternative but to get addicted to weed.”

Thanos. Ernst Blofeld. Emperor Palpatine. And Sadiq Khan, most evil of them all

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who wants the IDF over here doing what they do best

YOU cannot imagine what it’s like, you provincials. Living here, in London, in the shadow of the most despotic, corrupt, malevolent regime ever known. 

Our Tube trains are plastered with images of his cruel, sneering face. Our streets choked with the pro-Palestinian marches he orders daily. Our only communication a regulation muttered ‘Hail Sadiq’ with lowered eyes as we pass in the rainswept streets.

In London, you cannot afford a house because Khan has requisitioned them all to hand out to his Islamist mates. You cannot drive a car because all roads have been blocked by his ‘low-traffic neighbourhoods.’ You cannot eat anywhere but Pret.

All freedom has been stamped out under Khan’s jackboot. At gunpoint, we ride his Windrush line. We file through art galleries with endless new exhibitions called ‘Why Whites Are Bad’. We pay thousands for West End shows glorifying his reign.

If you’re from the normal world – from Doncaster, from Ipswich, from sunny Stoke-on-Trent – you may find this hard to believe. ‘But you voted for him,’ you’ll say, blindly. ‘Twice. And his father was a bus driver.’

He was. And, enraged in childhood by the lack of representation in On The Buses, hardened in adulthood by his swashbuckling predecessor’s removal of the bendy buses designed to wipe out the white race, that’s where Khan’s crusade began.

Seizing power illegally, he made sure only news favourable to him escaped London. Inside the capital, he allowed crime to run rampant. He ensured the Met was institutionally racist in his favour. He pumped pollution into the air to kill our children.

Smiling was forbidden. Wearing earphones, broadcasting podcasts boosting his reign 24-7, mandatory. Even brief eye contact can see you shot dead and your body stepped over without a word.

If you’ve visited London, you know it’s true. But, unable to swallow the enormity of it, you blamed Londoners for being unfriendly, blamed the rich for house prices, blamed pigeons for the corpses littering Trafalgar Square.

Caligula? Knew how to have a laugh. Stalin? Began with the best of intentions. Hitler? Misguided, but never less than honest. Sadiq Khan is worse than them all.

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