Sex toys will introduce you to a terrifying new world of sensual pleasure, says middle-aged sex columnist Jen Prentice
SEX toys allow you to kick back alone and let the batteries do the work. But sometimes you feel a little intimidated as you double-check your partner’s not around and pull down your pants.
The one the size of a small country
The postman delivers an unmarked box and from the size of it you assume it’s that new coat rack you ordered. But it turns out to be a dildo so big it deserves to be on a plinth in the town square. You think ‘Lots of lube should do it’, but in reality trying to use it seems more faff than just having sex with your partner. Yes, it’s that bad.
The one you leave up there
Then there are the eggs and balls and whatnots that you pop up there. You’re going to work with a huge hunk of remote control-activated silicone wedged up you? What if you can’t get it out? Or it goes off during your annual review and you climax in front of your manager? And not in a sexy way. More in a ‘people who work here will piss themselves with laughter for generations’ way.
The cheap one
If there’s one thing you want to avoid super-cheap versions of – along with meat and bog roll – it’s sex toys. It’s only natural to have doubts if it was on offer, or worse, you got it free with another order. Proceed with caution. You don’t want the sex-toy equivalent of that dodgy spirit your mate got from Latvia that was 98 per cent antifreeze and extremely toxic.
The one with the intimidating description
Some of the words on the box are enough to make anyone think twice. Hook, probe, suction… suction? Is it going to suck off your genitals and hoover out your insides for good measure? It’s hard not to at least wonder before you throw caution to the wind and shove it down there before your partner finishes watching Ozark.
The DIY one
Be it an electric toothbrush, a cucumber, a shampoo bottle or something more adventurous, you’re going to wonder about the risk. You might become the star of one of those embarrassing stories A&E doctors collect. Then again, we’re all striving to make our mark and perhaps becoming ‘the idiot who got a stapler stuck up there’ is how fate plans to immortalise you.
