The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Richard Dawkins, 'cultural Christian' or smug rodent tit?

5th April 2024

WAKING up with a hangover roughly the size of the Amazon basin, I look back on the past two days. The furore began when CCTV emerged of me masturbating furiously in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary. I will admit that looked bad.

Summoned before a panel of C of E dignitaries, I was hard pressed to mount a defence. However, I argued as follows.

Firstly, one of the distinguishing features of the Protestant faith, not steeped in dogma like Catholicism, is our progressive attitude towards onanism. Far from discouraging it as sinful, we regard it as a healthy activity. How strange that in our society, we tolerate public drinking, with all its attendant health risks, but not public masturbating?

I also observed that while the pious express their adoration for the Holy Mother, none of them have manifested as sincere a tribute to her as I did. Surely Joseph himself, a carpenter in rude health who did not violate the virginity of his spouse, must have resorted to my own form of worship? Is he to be condemned too?

The panel agreed and I was exonerated unanimously. And so I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Richard Dawkins, author of such tomes as The God Delusion, has declared himself a ‘cultural Christian’ and decried Islam as a bad faith.

You fucking know what? I had your card marked from the get-go, you cuntfaced little tit. I’m an atheist on the quiet, you’re an atheist on the loud, but whereas I’m in it from knocking at Heaven’s door for years and not getting a reply, you’re in it for a nice ride on the anti-Muslim bandwagon. Just scurry back up your hole of irrelevance, you smug fucking rodent. I’m half tempted to take up believing in God just to fuck you off, you awful fuck!

The children’s author JK Rowling has been in the news this week, having deliberately misgendered a number of trans activists and bracketed them with sex offenders. She has been accused of hate crimes and has defied the police to arrest her.

I fucking don’t get you at all, Joanne. You’re rich as fuck and you’re up there with Anne Frank and the fucking Bible in terms of book sales. You could do whatever you want every single day of your life and instead you waste it obsessing like a fucking loon over the genitals of strangers. You’ve gone full Linehan! You’re the plucky underdog against the transgender elite that only exists in your addled fucking mind! Look at your supporters. Nigel Farage, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin! That’s a dinner party you’re fucking welcome to!

Lara Croft has been voted the ‘most iconic character ever’ by the Bafta Games Awards.

Well what a fucking surprise! Wish I’d had the idea of attaching two oranges to a stick and stretching a fucking t-shirt over it, I could have been quids in! JK Rowling in! Seriously, though, any chance we could make a giant fucking cannon, shove the word ‘iconic’ in, and fire it in the general direction of Uranus? What does it even mean? Except for ‘I’m a lazy hack’? For once I’m with the church on this one: ‘iconic’ is for 3rd century martyrs who were eaten alive by lions, not fucking cartoon characters with cyber-tits.

Finally, it seems that Liz Truss remains in the spotlight, appearing at the launch of a group going by the name of Popular Conservatism, or PopCon for short.

Hahaha! You, Liz? Popular? You’re about as popular as Gary fucking Glitter with a comeback single titled There’s No One Quite Like Harold Shipman! Why in the name of all that is fucking holy haven’t you dug an eight-foot-deep pit, thrown yourself into it and instructed everyone to fill it in? With the possible exception of Hitler, no politician has inflicted more damage on this country so quickly in the last 100 years! Fuck, absolutely and with maximum celerity, to the far reaches of off!

Do you want anything from Tesco? By Lizzo

4th April 2024

HEY y’all, it’s your girl Lizzo. Music icon. Boss bitch. Plus-size goddess. Frequent patron of Tesco on Clifford Bridge Road in Coventry. So let me ask you this – d’you need anything picking up?

Every Little Helps for Lizzo. My love affair with Tesco started when I first toured the UK a few years back. Back then I’d pick up a meal deal on the daily. BLT, McCoy’s Beef Crisps and a Lilt. All the while stacking up some serious Clubcard points, you get me?

I used to f**k with Lidl but then I got stung by the middle aisle. Ended up leaving with a garden gnome, some Allen keys and a six-man tent. I only went in for some milk.

But now the game has changed, I tend to enter Tes-kizzle with an entourage of around 50 people. Security, management, hangers-on, backing dancers, just the usual to pick up a Warburtons Toastie White. I insist that the CCTV is off so I can shop for my breaded ham slices and Party Rings with privacy.

What I’m saying is, I’m a pretty big deal up in Tesco, so if you need anything for your tea, just slide into my DMs with a shopping list and you can Venmo me the money after. Nothing is too much trouble for Lizzo when it comes to her fans.

I’ve requested blueprints of every store in the UK so when I roll up in my blacked-out tour bus the whole thing runs like a military campaign. Instead of hitting up fruit and veg first like a basic bitch, I do the entire shop anticlockwise. Frozen food first, then household cleaning, those little baggies for picking up dog turds, then rice. Followed by crisps. Biscuits. Fresh bread then eggs. Finally, if there’s time: salad.

Then I throw my Louis Vuitton shades on and head to till number 7 where my girl Norma is usually scanning like a muthaf**ka. I drop several Gs on the big shop. Leave Norma a fat tip. Go do my EuroMillions Lucky Dips, grab a flat white from the in-store Costa Coffee machine, then bounce. Wembley Arena ain’t gonna play itself.

So if any of you guys want in on that sweet deal, hit me up. You know where to find me. It’s two for £3.50 on selected cooked meats right now. Don’t miss out.

Peace,

Lizzo xXxXx