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Smoking cigarettes and other stuff I got peer-pressured into, by Rihanna

MEGASTAR Rihanna is performing at the Superbowl simply because everyone else has and she didn’t want to be left out. What else was she peer-pressured into? 

Smoking

I only tried my first ciggie because of peer pressure. Previous to that I’d stuck to healthy low-tar high-THC weed, but Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus were on the fags in the toilets at Coachella and I didn’t want to look a dick so I joined in. I quit when I got pregnant but still vape like a steam train on the back porch. You make sacrifices when you have kids. The Superbowl’s going to cost me $60 for a babysitter.

Getting my first tattoo

With 23 of them now, including the goddess Isis on my rib cage, you’d think I was well into them, but I only got my second tattoo to cover up my first. A massive Scooby-Doo I got in Magaluf pissed on fishbowls. Got infected from the hotel pool. My dad went spare. And don’t get me started on my nipple piercing. I cried all the way to Claire’s Accessories getting that done. But me and Katy Perry had made a pact so I couldn’t back out. It bloody killed.

Shoplifting

I only did this once and felt terrible about it. Drake dared me to steal a packet of Toffos so I did, but I couldn’t go in that corner shop again. I only recently admitted it to A$AP Rocky, my boyfriend, and he pointed out he’d been arrested for drug dealing, breach of contract, a handful of assaults and possession of a deadly weapon. Which made me feel better about my rap sheet.

Leasing a mid-sized SUV

Although I could have a fleet of Maybachs driven by personal drivers, I’ve somehow ended up with a ceramic grey 2019 Nissan Qashaqi on a three-year personal car hire lease. I popped into the dealership for a free Chupa Chup and Carl persuaded me I could drive one off the forecourt today for £2k down and then £250 a month. The mileage is good but I saw Kendrick Lamar at the lights in his Merc G-Wagon and was ashamed to be rolling in this sensible, suburban motherfucker.

Being in music at all

It’s not really my thing. I was planning go into commercial fishing, but was trilling a shanty while trimming sail and my first mate suggested I might be better off as a nine Grammy award-winning singer and underwear mogul. The whole crew agreed, from bosun to deckhand, I wasn’t strong enough to say no and so just went along with it. Now I’m kind of stuck. Same thing happened to Neil Young apparently.

Dear Sir Keir, Operation Destroy Tories has begun. Actually I should give it a more secret name

THIS is the mole talking, Sir Keir. You know, your agent inside the Tories. Liz. Liz Truss. Anyway, stage one complete: pound devalued, economy ruined, job done. 

It worked just like you said it would. I told Kwasi ‘we need to focus on growth at all costs’ and ‘household finances are not my priority’ and his eyes lit up. Straight away he outlines all these tax cuts that actually sound brilliant.

I admit I didn’t really get all your economic flimflam. Maths isn’t my strong point. But he announces it and next minute the markets are crashing like billy-o!

The pound’s down, gilt borrowing’s up, the Bank of England’s on the blower saying ‘what the fucking hell’, the lot. You really are good at this.

It’s very exciting. When Labour recruited me from the Lib Dems all those years ago – ‘the Lib Dems are the perfect cover, nobody gives a shit about them’ – I expected thrills and did not get them. Even being in cabinet was dull. All I did to help the socialist cause was open the shit pipes.

But now I’m at the heart of government bringing it down. Nobody seems to suspect a thing, even when I made Jacob energy secretary which I worried was a dead giveaway.

The plan’s on track. The tax cuts are in, parliament’s ready to revolt, Labour are 17 points ahead in the polls. Operation Destroy Tories is working a treat though it needs a more secret name. Operation Truss No-one? That’s got my name in it.

I’m keeping my head down and I’ll report again next week. Just one thing, you’re sure these tax cuts aren’t going spark massive growth? Because they’re amazing! Though, again, I am crap at maths.

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