THE polo shirt is an arsehole’s garment suitable only for liars, thieves and those trying to fool the world into thinking they’re wearing a shirt. Wear it like this:
With jeans
You’ll be quite the twat about town as you step out in jeans and a polo shirt; not a T-shirt, the natural companion to denim, but the stunted hybrid of forced breeding between T-shirt and proper shirt, a cotton mutant that should never have been born and begs to die.
Ideal for: knobhead pubs.
With chinos
Just look at the epitome of sartorial cowardice. Able to commit to neither casual clothes or a suit you sit on the fucking fence, trying to be everything to everyone and fitting in nowhere. The suit people think you weak. The casuals think you’re a square.
Ideal for: the Lib Dem party conference.
With shorts
What even are you at this point? Who are you pretending to be? The preppy guy in a teenage love triangle who gets dumped? Are you trying to act like that little slit and those three shitty buttons provide much needed ventilation for your sweaty neck?
Ideal for: acting the prick at Wimbledon.
With a jumper
Now we’re in full-on gaslighting territory. You’re actually doing this. You’re actually trying to brazen it out that you’re wearing a shirt. It’s sickening. Everyone knows you’re lying. They don’t say it to be polite, but sure as fuck they’re saying it behind your back.
Ideal for: a magic act where you pull off a jumper and reveal to an amazed audience that you’re actually in a polo shirt.
With a suit
Come on. Be serious. You go to the effort of putting a suit on, then wear a pretend shirt underneath? And what, trainers with it? Are there shorts under the suit? Are you ready for sudden sport at literally any time?
Ideal for: anyone who’s so hot nobody asks difficult questions.
With tapered polo jeans, knee-high polo boots and a polo helmet
The shirt actually looks fine when it’s with the rest of the kit. You just look like a bellend because you’re playing polo.
Ideal for: being so incredibly posh you play polo.