Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Funny how ‘age is just a number’ is your go-to excuse for flirting with young waitresses, and never for pursuing your nan’s friend Eileen who remembers the Blitz.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

One of your ex-girlfriends actually was the one. But we’re not telling you which.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Odysseus beat the Cyclops by disguising himself as a sheep, then shagging him, then killing him. Most translations leave out the shagging.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

What base is choking? If you want to brag to your girls?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Can’t the French just eat the bedbugs? Put them on the menu called ampules de sang de Paris like they’re a delicacy?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

“Retaliating against the BBC putting Doctor Who’s back catalogue on iPlayer, ITVX now has every episode of Boon. Fucking bring it.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

The one thing you can’t air-fry for yourself is some dignity.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

How thick is pigshit, anyway? Oh, you can buy it online.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

If that’s what the Turks think of as delight no wonder they’re always so fucked off.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Question 1. Drawing a graph from Thatcher to May to Truss, how fucking abysmal will the next female prime minister be?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The cause of our societal issues is that first-time fathers can’t enjoy a cigar in the hospital waiting room, just a furtive bubblegum flavoured vape.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“This is an announcement for all passengers disembarking at Rugeley Trent Valley: we hope you’re happy that we’ve had to stop at your pissant little station. Twats.”