YOU’VE made it this far, you’re actually having sex. Now be careful not to arse it up by throwing a terrible pet name into the mix mid-coitus.
Daddy
Problematic, to put it mildly. It’s likely to take your shag buddy out of the moment and bring to mind your actual Daddy. Suddenly your tits will be replaced by the image of a disapproving older man, watching as your lover inexpertly fucks his daughter. That’s bad enough, but they’ll get the feeling he’s itching to tell them they’re doing it all wrong, like DIY.
Sexy pants
Silly names are all well and good when you’re doing a bit of ironic flirting and trying to seal the deal, but not so helpful once you’ve got your pants down and are trying to take yourself seriously. The last thing you want while you’re giving a blowjob is to get a laugh. So stay away from ridiculous names like ‘Lover boy’ or ‘Hot stuff’. You’re not Austin Powers.
Snookums
The problem is that pet names are picked by the owner, not the pet. Nobody in their right mind would opt to be called Snookums. It sounds like the name of a new pupil at Hogwarts who also happens to be a Smurf. Hardly hard-on fodder.
Anything ‘pie’
Cutie-pie, Baby-pie, Angel-pie – anything pie – is to be avoided at all costs. What are you, a Looney Tunes character? You may as well cut the crap and call each other Tweetie Pie and Sylvester the Cat. Any person who calls you these things with a straight face is instantly going to look like an arsehole and a twee loser. That’s not appealing in a sexual partner. See ya, Dickhead-pie.
Pussy cat
Barely tolerable from a partner in daily life because it’s not 1965, and even less so mid-coitus when you’re battling to stay turned on if things aren’t going brilliantly. Also, it feels like a judgement – do you not deserve to be compared to a bigger cat? A tiger at the very least. Even an ocelot would be an improvement.
Sugar lips/Honeybun
Names like this are a red flag. Your shag is setting up unrealistic expectations of sweetness which you’ll never be able to fulfil in a future relationship. And it’s just so cringe. Instead of him coming in your mouth, you’ll be puking in it.
