subscribe
/ Sign Out

Missionary and other sex positions I haven't tried yet, with Ryan Gosling

THE STAR of Netflix blockbuster The Grey Man is a heartthrob for millions. He tells us about the sexual positions he’d love to try but hasn’t got round to: 

Missionary

I’ve heard so much about this one. And while I’m Ken in the upcoming Barbie movie, I’m not all smooth down there. I have a cock, balls and the requisite pubic growth. Though mine are Hollywood genitals and incredible to look at. Like beautiful, undiscovered rainforest far up the Amazon river.

That said, I can’t really explain why I’ve never tried missionary. I was plucked from school aged 12 to be in The Mickey Mouse Club and they weren’t big on sex education, but Britney and Justin were in the same club and they worked it out. I must make some time to give it a go. I bet it’s great.

Doggystyle

Again, I’ve heard fantastic things about it. And after playing Noah in The Notebook, it’s been easy charming ladies into bed, but doggystyle? No. I’m an animal lover so I find it disrespectful, and three years ago I adopted a rescue dog called Lucho and it makes me think about how he has sex. Not tenderly, like Ryan Gosling might do it, in a lake in the rain with a wet shirt clinging to his abs. But roughly, from behind, like a Doberman. Because he’s a Doberman.

The 69

Okay, now I know this one’s not real. What? It is? I thought it was a meme. Well, you try juggle independent passion projects with Hollywood blockbusters and see how much time you have left for Googling ’69’. Truth is I’m too busy. For La La Land I took four hours of jazz piano lessons a day. After that, you aren’t racing home to stimulate a woman’s clitoris with your tongue while she performs fellatio. As Tom Hanks told me, ‘They don’t give Oscars for oral.’

Reverse cowgirl

I did have a failed attempt at this once. But when she climbed on top – no names, I’m a gentleman, it was Kat Dennings – out of habit I began to inhabit a character, a heartbroken cowboy called Gideon Sawyer crossing Montana on a cattle drive while trying to forget his wife Alice who he’d lost to scarlet fever. It was an absolute boner killer but the pitch is in development with Dreamworks.

The upside-down cake

Guys. Come on. I’m Canadian.

When I said Liz Truss looked like a budgie pecking a mirror, I meant she was bloody brilliant

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

LIZ Truss? Won’t hear a word against her. A brilliant stateswoman, a towering intellect, and the right choice for leader. Last week’s column backing Mordaunt was written by an intern. 

The comparison of Liz Truss to an old lady’s budgerigar delightedly pecking a mirror, in love with its own reflection but never deep-down sure it’s not another budgie? That was a misprint.

The claim that she looks like the villain of a young adult movie whose neck is broken but rises up, possessed by ineffectual evil, to stagger across the room? Inaccurate copy edits.

And when I said she resembled Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds, ‘a doddery, plastic-faced puppet unable to walk across a room convincingly whose chauffeur does all the fucking work’? There are a number of ways you can interpret that. I meant it positively.

All that stuff about Penny Mordaunt being the greatest leader ever to stride this earth? I was joking. She’s nothing to me now. Her fake naval service, her pathetic belly-flop and those ridiculous silicone tits. She’s no better than Katie Price.

It was a mere infatuation. Unlike my passion for Liz, which ignited not two hours hence and burns with the same clear, steady unchanging flame as the grave of Elvis.

The reincarnation of Margaret Thatcher, Truss was born to pull the levers of power. Why else would she feel so entitled to the job that she doesn’t even try to sell herself?

Media interviews? Assassination attempts by Communists? Why do those, when the British people can judge Liz purely on her outfits, her fixed grin, her proud record of trade deals with Ecuador and the Faroe Islands?

Liz Truss is our next prime minister. No other choice is possible. I have always said that, and always will.

And should Rishi win? I’ll be up his arse faster than a greased ferret on amphetamines.

Next story ›