CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul?
Trump on his lawyer
First impression?
This is a beautiful place, beautiful restaurant. I own it. It’s worth £228 million, the most valuable restaurant in the entire country, and it’s actually built above a working diamond mine so twice that.
How was conversation?
The judge is crooked. He’s taking bribes from Hunter Biden, and his daughter is a prostitute in DC. I saw her name myself on an escort website, and that’s illegal because she’s underage. I have nude photos of her on my phone.
Memorable moments?
Let me say now to the jurors, the American people will find out where you live. And they are angry, righteously angry, and they are armed. They have guns like you would not believe and they will come for you.
Favourite thing about your lawyer?
The legal scholars, every single one of them in this country, the absolute top-tier because I insist on the best, every one of them say this is a witch-hunt. And if I am convicted this country will be torn apart.
A capsule description?
I used to golf with, great guy, he’s dead now, John Gotti. We did so many business deals together and he had a wonderful way of disappearing people. Just disappeared. Gone. And he was never prosecuted and until his last day was a free man because if they disappear there’s no crime.
Was there a spark?
Those secrets were mine because I’m the president, I still am the president, because I won the election and Mar-a-Lago is the White House. I sold those secrets all over – to Israel, to North Korea, to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Every time I sold them the price went up.
What happened afterwards?
China. I also sold them to China. We have to do business with China because they’re very smart, they don’t have elections so they can’t be rigged. When I’m elected, and I don’t say if because it will happen, I have 99 per cent support, I’ll abolish elections.
What would you change about the evening?
You know what they say? ‘Trump was right about everything.’ That’s what you hear from the experts. I paid that hush money but marked it as campaign contributions because I’m smart.
Will you see each other again?
When I’m elected I’ll pardon myself, and it will be a rolling pardon, and it will last forever. You can do that because it’s in the constitution. Lincoln himself put it in there.
Trump’s lawyer on Trump
First impression?
You don’t own the restaurant. Stop saying you own the restaurant. If they find out you own the restuarant they can seize it and sell it. And it’s not worth a tenth of that.
How was conversation?
Jesus fucking Christ, shut up! You can’t say that! You just violated a gag order and admitted downloading illegal pornography! It’s not even true!
Memorable moments?
Fuck. Fuck, you just threatened to kill the jury. Oh God I could lose my licence just for defending you.
Favourite thing about Trump?
…was that last thing he said not actually illegal? Then that. That’s the highlight so far.
A capsule description?
Did he just admit social contact with the head of the Mafia? And being an accessory to first-degree murder? Also Gotti famously died in prison, though why I’m fact-checking at this point I do not know.
Was there a spark?
Not the classified documents! Shut up! Shut up about them! That isn’t even my fucking case but shut up about them!
What happened afterwards?
Lose my licence? Jesus, I’m going to jail right alongside this shithead. I’m going to Rikers to be a lifer’s bitch.
What would you change about the evening?
Did you… just admit to the crime I’m trying to clear you of? In clear, unambiguous terms?
Will you see each other again?
A presidential pardon. That’s my only hope. That he’ll issue a blanket pardon that also covers his legal team. Christ, who am I kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m here.
