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Hard-Fi, and other bands that failed to make being working class look good

FOR every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb, some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment. Like these:

Hard-Fi

Presumably now back in the nine-to-five jobs they slagged off on their only successful album, Hard-Fi made it their crusade to produce music only suitable for soundtracking Soccer AM. Glamorising wasting every hard-earned penny to get blind drunk, rejected by girls and possibly arrested worked for a while, but writing endless songs about being poor in dead-end towns was always going to pall eventually. Especially when you’re actually from Surrey.

The Beatles

All four of the Beatles came from working class homes in Liverpool, an industrial city that had seen better days when the band formed. John Lennon even went on to write a song called ‘Working Class Hero’. However, he did that when he was a multimillionaire, and the Beatles only got interesting after they had stopped wearing matching suits that their mums would have approved of and started growing their hair, buying mansions, hoovering up LSD and basically doing everything they could to escape their hardscrabble Northern backgrounds.

Sleaford Mods

Having a wank instead of trying to get off the dole is believable, but it’s hardly flattering to portray jobseekers that way while dancing around like a tit on Jools Holland. The Midlands group have shoved Broken Britain down our throats for over a decade when nobody needs the reminder, even if it is all in aid of bringing down the Tories. Which is a commendable ambition, but ultimately tedious coming from two 50-somethings who are basically doing slam poetry to a beat, and living like squatters for the aesthetic.

Goldie Lookin Chain

This novelty band are still performing, yet few people remember Newport’s lazy purveyors of working class culture. Fake Burberry, offensive jokes and a grown man called Maggot may have gotten laughs from a few pubescent boys, but the naff pantomime joke couldn’t really compete with gritty grime realism, especially after Vicky Pollard was retired and society decided to stop demonising chavs. Although their latest songs is taking the piss out of Dryrobes, which are a worthy target.

Idles 

If you’re not poor you can just pretend to be, like these middle class Bristolians appropriating working class struggles for their own ends. Britain makes it easy to cosplay as a punk group where generic rants against Brexit make you look like Che Guevara for NME readers, and Idles go even further with dodgy put-on accents and a visual aesthetic based on Onslow from Keeping up Appearances. It would all be easier to ignore if the music was any good.

Oasis

Mancunians still adore Oasis as sons of their city, despite the fact that neither Noel or Liam have lived further north than Maida Vale since 1996. However, that hasn’t stopped Noel endlessly recycling boring songs about escaping the area he grew up in, because he apparently isn’t as inspired by the leafy suburbs of London. Give it up Noel, these days you’re about as working class as Tom Hiddleston.

What kind of infidelity is right for you? asks the Mash sex columnist

YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair. 

But before you plunge into an illicit liasion with a bipolar pole dancer, calm your titties and ask yourself: what flavour of unfaithfulness passes my taste test? See below:

With a friend

Easy, inevitable and his number’s already in your phone; shagging a mate is the only sensible way forwards. Why just risk ending a relationship when you could also ruin a friendship? Add that to revealing your genitals to someone you’ll wash up with at barbecues in the future, and this really is madness. And there’s nothing sexier.

With a stranger

Reduces risk because nobody knows who the hell this girl is and you’ve saved her as Dave Plumber in your phone. But effort-intensive as it involves the long road of persuading a stranger that you’re worth a fuck in the first place, and avoiding ever going through that again is why you settled for monogamy in the first place. Also, she could be unhinged.

With an ex

The lazy fuck for lazy fucks, the simplest way to get a new cock in your life is to re-christen an old one. Plumping for someone you already know in bed and in person is the Netflix of adultery – a few familiar buttons pushed and you’re supine on the sofa being halfway entertained. And he’ll probably keep it quiet because he’s just as ashamed as you are.

With a professional

Is it even infidelity if the third party’s being paid? Or are you just making your own contribution to Britain’s thriving services industry? Ultimately, when you hooked up with the girl from the OnlyFans, aren’t you a victim of capitalism’s transformation of sex into a commodity? Don’t even bother making the argument because you won’t get caught.

With a figment of your own imagination

Subtracts the physical element, which is considerable, but makes up for it by opening the doors to every other option. Any number of lovers possessed of whatever anatomical implausibilities you see fit to include can be yours without even changing out of stained sweatpants. You won’t be rejected and you won’t be found out. However, it is just wanking.

With nobody

Exhausted just reading this? Don’t have the imagination or the energy? Realised it’s not just your boyfriend you’re bored with, but the very concept of sex? Give it up. You get all the kicks you need from sending and receiving witty memes. The only fling you’re having is with a bag of honey-roasted peanuts and a box of Cabernet Shiraz.

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