CALL it a rut, call it a comfort zone, call it three minutes each of oral followed by five minutes of no-eye-contact sex, but it’s the bedrock of the majority of marriages.
Cutting out the worrying prospect of trying something new, a good rut lets you settle in as snug as a memory foam mattress. And you can get there by dedicating just a little growing-apart-time each day. Here’s how to neglect that lovin’ feelin’:
Let yourself go
The simplest way to initiate a decade of straight missionary with the lights off is to render yourself unattractive. Take it seriously, like Charlize Theron uglying up for an Oscar. Whether you’re picking your feet all evening, snacking on a family bag of onion rings before bed or reminding your husband how far you’ve slid by squeezing your settled-relationship body into your old slinky-singleton clothes, give him every excuse.
Up your stress levels
High levels of stress are an excellent way to make yourself too distracted to get your head in the right place to come. Or, for the guys, to bother try to make her come. Simply engineer a way to make life a massive ballache: organise a big party, move house, start an affair: whatever it takes to render yourself too anxious to access your own fantasies.
Never speak
If communication is the key to nurturing an exciting sexual relationship, foregoing all communication is an excellent way to shut one down. Eat exclusively in front of I’m a Celebrity, invest in noise-cancelling headphones and wear them constantly. Before you know it you’ll be rutting in a rut.
Be knackered
The equivalent of stress but for the working classes, exhaustion is an easy way to guarantee none of that new position shit. Train for a marathon, become a 7am gym bunny, start working nights at a fish-gutting plant: do whatever it takes to cut your libido to a nice manageable 0.01. You’ll still have sex, but it’ll be perfunctory.
Party time
If consumed irresponsibly enough, alcohol blunts the joy from every activity. If you’re too pissed to do anything but the usual, you’re ready to go at your partner with an instinctive lack of imagination. You’ll be finished before she knows it and fast asleep while she gets herself off; perfect for Christmas. Happy Season’s Sexual Rut, everyone!
