Chariots of Fire, Danger Zone, my own audiobook: Paul Hollywood's lovemaking playlist

DAYTIME baker, nighttime lothario, at both ends gentle yet firm with my hands. But when I throw a conquest onto the waterbed, what’s soundtracking our sexual odyssey? Read on:

Foreplay – A Smeg TR4110GR fan oven being pre-heated to 200c

We begin with the most erotic sound on earth: a fan oven. Gently heating to optimal bread-baking temperature. And as that whirring pervades the air, I begin to rise like a cottage loaf. It’s reflexive and magnificent.

Undressing – The Great British Bake-Off theme tune (scratch remix)

In case my partner, who is ideally between 20 and 35 years younger, has second thoughts the playlist segues straight into the GBBO theme tune to remind them why they’re doing this – I’m off the telly. The remix adds scratching and hip-hop beats. I slip my top off.

Striptease – You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones

Oh yeah, I strip alright. I’ve got a whole little routine that ends with me stark bollock naked with a Star Baker apron draped off my hard-on. It’s my own personal showstopper.

Foreplay – Chariots of Fire by Vangelis

I like to perform foreplay slowly, sensually and overdramatically. This music’s ideal. Gives the whole area a touch of British grit and pluck triumphing against the odds which it needs because foreplay’s for girls.

Penetration – Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins

As I go in for the kill I put myself in the shoes of Maverick, the Top Gun of the USAF, but the Maverick of baking. Sometimes I whisper ‘call me Maverick’. Once I wore Ray-Ban Aviators, but they steamed up like when you open an oven while making scones.

Climax – Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon

A song so sexy it has sex in the title, which is like my surname being Hollywood: obvious but impressive. I’m banging away, not thinking about durations or amounts, lost in the moment like a blind bake, doing it all by eye and feel and touch. Then I finish, which normally amounts to a heaped teaspoon.

Post-coital – Paul Hollywood: A Baker’s Life, the audiobook

While my exhausted lover falls sated into sleep, I lie awake contemplating the grubby acts I’ve just commited. To unwind, I like to think of how far I’ve come in life. So I stick on my own entire audiobook, listen to my own soothing tones and relax. There’s a cracking recipe for jam tarts.

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Six ways to look a dick in a… polo shirt

THE polo shirt is an arsehole’s garment suitable only for liars, thieves and those trying to fool the world into thinking they’re wearing a shirt. Wear it like this:

With jeans

You’ll be quite the twat about town as you step out in jeans and a polo shirt; not a T-shirt, the natural companion to denim, but the stunted hybrid of forced breeding between T-shirt and proper shirt, a cotton mutant that should never have been born and begs to die.

Ideal for: knobhead pubs.

With chinos

Just look at the epitome of sartorial cowardice. Able to commit to neither casual clothes or a suit you sit on the fucking fence, trying to be everything to everyone and fitting in nowhere. The suit people think you weak. The casuals think you’re a square.

Ideal for: the Lib Dem party conference.

With shorts

What even are you at this point? Who are you pretending to be? The preppy guy in a teenage love triangle who gets dumped? Are you trying to act like that little slit and those three shitty buttons provide much needed ventilation for your sweaty neck?

Ideal for: acting the prick at Wimbledon.

With a jumper

Now we’re in full-on gaslighting territory. You’re actually doing this. You’re actually trying to brazen it out that you’re wearing a shirt. It’s sickening. Everyone knows you’re lying. They don’t say it to be polite, but sure as fuck they’re saying it behind your back.

Ideal for: a magic act where you pull off a jumper and reveal to an amazed audience that you’re actually in a polo shirt.

With a suit

Come on. Be serious. You go to the effort of putting a suit on, then wear a pretend shirt underneath? And what, trainers with it? Are there shorts under the suit? Are you ready for sudden sport at literally any time?

Ideal for: anyone who’s so hot nobody asks difficult questions.

With tapered polo jeans, knee-high polo boots and a polo helmet

The shirt actually looks fine when it’s with the rest of the kit. You just look like a bellend because you’re playing polo.

Ideal for: being so incredibly posh you play polo.

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