MIND-BOGGLING as it is to contemplate, there is a greater variety of size, shape and flavour of boobs than there are of crisps. 

And, as in the snacks aisle of any two-floor Asda, it’s easy to be overwhelmed. Impossible to weigh the pros and cons of each because they’re all, from the Monster Munch to the Tyrrells, wonderful in their own way.

But, given that they’re largely for sex unless you breastfeed a child for a weird number of years, which is best in the bedroom? And why?

Big

If you’ve got big hooters you have the licence to be lazy. Being sexy is a done deal – no need to worrying about the rest of your body or to bring acrobatics to the bedroom when your sweater meat does the work for you. Also – fun bonus – if you wish to murder your husband, you could suffocate him in your décolletage and claim it was a passionate accident.

Small

Boobs unimpressive? Be thankful. Not only do you not have to pretend you enjoy being motorboated, you’ve got the motivation to get creative. Without bosomy laurels to rest on sex will only get hotter as you explore positions and moves those heifers could never handle. Or leave a padded bra on and exchange lack of sensation for pride when your fake cleavage enters your peripheral vision.

Pert

Skyward-faced nipples that beckon your lover forwards are the dream boob-shape for any man with half an erection. If you’re young or flukey enough to own a pair, flaunt your superiority: whip them out not only in the bedroom, but at the gym, on the beach, at Insulate Britain protests, striding down the aisle at your ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Heavy

Big boobs carry weight, especially when they’ve been ill-used by babies. There can be a tendency toward the pendulous. Women imagine blokes give a shit about this, forgetting they think with their cocks. If you’ve got enough tit to swing slap his hands on them. Now he’s too busy to interfere with your orgasm.

Any at all

Any boob will do. Few men are attractive enough to be picky. The presence of a bare chest of any shape, size or proportion is a win that will have the teenager who lives in their heart air-punching and telling their mates about it. Stop thinking they can act and reason when tits are exposed.