THE patriarchy in Hollywood has denied me the chance to be a movie star, even though Cats wasn’t my fault. So I’m cutting out the middleman and putting myself in these:
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997
I love everything about this movie – the Britishness, the innuendos, the bad teeth – and force my boyfriends to watch it with me at least once a week. Tom Hiddleston said ‘this is psychological torture, Taylor, like interrogations at Guantanamo Bay’ and we split. Anyway, I’m a love interest for Scott Evil. I do a French accent.
Jaws, 1975
Caught the original, loved it, got my full-time special effects house on the job. Three old geezers on a boat, drinking beer and bleeding, with a rubber shark? It needs me. I turn up as a friendly seal called Suzie, with my recognisable face and mannerisms, wisecracking and quipping ‘I think you’ve got something in your teeth’ to the shark. A simple change that really elevates the movie.
Reservoir Dogs, 1992
Mr Blonde, Mr Pink and Mr White? Meet Little Miss Mauve. The diamond thieves just got an injection of glamour. I’ve taken a few liberties, like doing the ear-cutting scene myself as a full dance routine in sparkly leotard with six backing dancers. Also, we get away with the heist and I shoot that snitch-ass motherfucker Mr Orange in the head myself.
Shine A Light, 2008
Martin Scorcese filming the Rolling Stones in concert? Except with Mick Jagger digitally replaced with my own self doing the same moves and singing the same songs? Because that crusty bitch snubbed me at a party and this is my revenge? So the TikTok generation forgets he ever existed? Don’t fuck with Taylor.
Stalker, 1979
A long, mystifying, Soviet arthouse science fiction film about a journey through the Zone where the laws of physics don’t apply. I’m in every scene of the new version, but never say anything and don’t influence the plot. Nobody comments or notices me. I’m just there.
Back To The Future III, 1990
The first two movies? Don’t need me. The third one? Could really do with the leg-up. And with my country music background, the Wild West’s a perfect fit: the cowboy boots, the corsets, the cholera. I play a hard-drinking Irish sheriff called Molly McDuff, there are seven or eight new musical numbers, it’s four hours long and kind of a mess. To compensate I’ve digitally created myself winning the Palm D’Or for it at Cannes.