Austin Powers and other classic movies I'm digitally adding myself to, by Taylor Swift

THE patriarchy in Hollywood has denied me the chance to be a movie star, even though Cats wasn’t my fault. So I’m cutting out the middleman and putting myself in these:

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997

I love everything about this movie – the Britishness, the innuendos, the bad teeth – and force my boyfriends to watch it with me at least once a week. Tom Hiddleston said ‘this is psychological torture, Taylor, like interrogations at Guantanamo Bay’ and we split. Anyway, I’m a love interest for Scott Evil. I do a French accent.

Jaws, 1975

Caught the original, loved it, got my full-time special effects house on the job. Three old geezers on a boat, drinking beer and bleeding, with a rubber shark? It needs me. I turn up as a friendly seal called Suzie, with my recognisable face and mannerisms, wisecracking and quipping ‘I think you’ve got something in your teeth’ to the shark. A simple change that really elevates the movie.

Reservoir Dogs, 1992

Mr Blonde, Mr Pink and Mr White? Meet Little Miss Mauve. The diamond thieves just got an injection of glamour. I’ve taken a few liberties, like doing the ear-cutting scene myself as a full dance routine in sparkly leotard with six backing dancers. Also, we get away with the heist and I shoot that snitch-ass motherfucker Mr Orange in the head myself.

Shine A Light, 2008

Martin Scorcese filming the Rolling Stones in concert? Except with Mick Jagger digitally replaced with my own self doing the same moves and singing the same songs? Because that crusty bitch snubbed me at a party and this is my revenge? So the TikTok generation forgets he ever existed? Don’t fuck with Taylor.

Stalker, 1979

A long, mystifying, Soviet arthouse science fiction film about a journey through the Zone where the laws of physics don’t apply. I’m in every scene of the new version, but never say anything and don’t influence the plot. Nobody comments or notices me. I’m just there.

Back To The Future III, 1990

The first two movies? Don’t need me. The third one? Could really do with the leg-up. And with my country music background, the Wild West’s a perfect fit: the cowboy boots, the corsets, the cholera. I play a hard-drinking Irish sheriff called Molly McDuff, there are seven or eight new musical numbers, it’s four hours long and kind of a mess. To compensate I’ve digitally created myself winning the Palm D’Or for it at Cannes.

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Mash Blind Date: Liz Truss and the British public, who've never met her and have no idea what she's like

IN five days, Liz Truss will become prime minister even though the country has no idea who she is. They’re meeting for the first time over tapas:

Britain on Liz

First impression?

Oh, it’s Pork Markets. I didn’t realise that was Liz Truss. So she’s going to be prime minister? The cheese woman?

How was conversation?

There wasn’t a lot of back-and-forth. She doesn’t seem to think that’s how conversation works. I’d say something, like ‘Who would have thought Arsenal would be top after four games, eh?’ and she’d reply ‘What I’m talking about is enabling people to keep more money in their own pockets’, smile primly then fall silent.

Memorable moments?

I said ‘mind you I wonder how this place will pay its bills over winter’ and her head started swivelling uncontrollably and her hands started clutching for something that wasn’t there. ‘Because of the gas bills,’ I explained, and she started emitting these little involuntary whimpers.

Favourite thing about Liz?

She’s from Leeds and I’ve got mates up there, so we were talking about it but she’s never been to Majestyk or Back to Basics, and seems to believe Roundhay’s a rough area? Seriously? Roundhay’s posh as fuck.

A capsule description?

She was there but she wasn’t there, you know? Like one of those Abba holograms. Like if I’d ducked down she’d be hovering an inch above her chair.

Was there a spark?

I asked why she hadn’t done more interviews and events to meet the people of the country she’s going to be leading and she shuddered until her fork rattled against her plate. I had to take that personally.

What happened afterwards?

The bill arrived and she was already gone. I get the feeling I’m going to have to get used to that.

What would you change about the evening?

Ideally I’d have made some kind of human connection with the person who’s going to decide whether I get to keep my job, house and life.

Will you see each other again?

Yes. This isn’t a blind date. It’s Married at fucking First Sight.

Liz on Britain

First impression?

Let me say very clearly that I love Britain, I am proud of Britain, and I will not stand by while others do Britain down. But not all of Britain.

How was conversation?

Every point on my prepared brief was covered, repeatedly. The long silences only proved his satisfaction with my answers.

Memorable moments?

N/A.

Favourite thing about the British public?

That they are inspired to aspire by my example, and have given me a full and comprehensive mandate to take any action, lawful or unlawful, to restore our great country’s pride.

A capsule description?

Nondescript. Yet yearning for change.

Was there a spark?

I’m not answering any questions about energy until September 5th.

What happened afterwards?

The bill arrived, which was an underhand gotcha moment by the liberal media, so I arranged to be no longer present.

What would you change about the evening?

I would have a pressing engagement at another location.

Will you see each other again?

From afar. Nothing closer than 100 yards would be appropriate.

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