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A white home counties roadman gets a summer job workin' for da cold hard cash

14-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, is da big business bruh after gettin’ a job in a garage.

WAGWAN? Parentdem say man needs to earn own cash to know its value. Wot is you talkin’ habout, fam? Active J knows value, coz cash ‘as numbers printed on da notes, innit.

So, as well as bein’ a big-time gangsta rapper, man is now workin’ part-time at a motor garage fixin’ leng rides. Active J started on Saturday, an’ man’s garage ooniform woz boxfresh Air Force wiv a matchin’ peng new North Face hoody, hero-swag new job drip. 

But gettin’ out of bed at 8am woz bare rank. Man ‘ad been playin’ GTA most of da night an’ woz a deadman, fam. Man ‘ad a can of Monster on him’s Frosties.

Da garage woz bustin’ wiv nang roadman Audis an’ BHemWs. Man woz flexin’ to ‘ave a spin in dem’s whips, but da bossman said ‘ride dis hinstead’, an’ gave Active J a broom, an’ called man ‘Arry Potter. Dat is bare beefspeak, fam.

When man ad’ done like ten minutes of sweepin’ da floor shit away from man’s Air Force, man woz gaspin’ for a Monster an’ a chug on new Peppermint vape, but da mechanicdem hoppressed Active J into doin’ da brews. Wot is you on habout, cuz? Wot is da brews?

Man messaged bruv Drilla but da dickhead ‘ad no hidea, but man’s gyal Lady G said brews is wot coffee an’ tea is, an’ dem’s don’t come in a can. Wot, fam? Makin’ da brews is bare rank, bruv. Dem’s mechanics well took da piss out of Active J for dat. Allow it.

Den man had to go to another garage to get a himportant tool, innit. Man woz bufferin’ for bare time waitin’ for a ‘long stand’, an’ den funnyman mechanic didn’t ‘ave one, innit. Active J woz extra-vexed.

When man got back da mechanicdem sent Active J to Maccy D’s wiv complicated orders. Dem’s said for man to write dem down, but man kept da orders in him’s head, an’ got dem all right. Much respect woz heaped upon Active J. Gassed, blud.

By da hend of da day man woz bare shot from da grind, an’ man’s drip was clapped an’ stunk rank of oil an’ da teasbag wot da wasteman mechanics threw at Active J.

So, man got paid him’s own cash wiv da value on. An’ man also got peng likes for sneaky Tik Toks in da Audis ‘n’ ting. Active J is now a businessbruh an’ a hinfluencer. Man is off to buy new drip. Safe, fam.

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Proper trad wife having affair with stable boy

A WOMAN has taken her commitment to live by traditional wifely values all the way by having an affair with a sexy stable boy.

Unlike social media posers preoccupied by raising families and rearing livestock, trad wife Helen Archer has taken it to the next level by being so unsatisfied in her marriage she is secretly having mind-blowing sex with a hostler three times a week.

She said: “Initially the idea of regressing into an obedient little baby factory didn’t appeal to me. But then I realised the adulterous possibilities it opened up.

“Like wives of yore I grind my teeth during my domestic servitude before waiting until my husband’s asleep and getting it on with a rugged man in a billowing shirt. Clandestine banging is a long-established gender role, you can’t touch me for it.

“You’d think the smell of manure and the coarseness of the hay would be a mood kill, but it only adds to the Jilly Cooper novel feel. It’s f**kloads better than wellness.

“So it’s still long floral dresses, baking bread and being attentive to my husband’s every need, but it’s also dresses hiked up, illicit passion and not being entirely sure the baby’s his.

“These are traditional country values. If he wanted me too knackered to be anything but faithful, he should have let me work 14-hour days in a high-powered City job.”

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