The Olympic Games stem from the human desire to both watch sporting excellence and declare that you could surpass it, if not for a trick knee. 

But did you know that the ancient Greeks themselves recognised that running, swimming and throwing a heavy ball were not in themselves enough to excite an audience, which is why their athletes competed with their bits out?

History claims the first Games began in Olympia in the year 776 BC, when a man called Koroibos won the stadion foot race. But contemporary accounts describe runners as ‘dull’ and ‘obsessed with running’ which makes the later popularity of the Games seem unlikely.

Antiquarian anthropology professor Professor Susan Traherne said: “Organisers spent decades attempting to boost the Games, adding chariot racing to bring the punters in. Then the masterstroke in 720BC: have everyone be completely starkers.

“It’s difficult to overstate how exciting this development was for the average man in a toga. Take, for example, the discus. Once you’ve seen one absolute unit throw a round flat rock you’ve seen them all. Now imagine he’s got his lad out. Now you’re interested.

“When the Persians invaded in 480BC, the Greeks delayed assembling an army because soldiers wanted to attend the Olympics. That’s just how entertaining naked hurdling is.

“Though the exact date of its introduction is unknown, the wrestler Amesinas of Barka was the first to heroically suggest the use of oils during matches. He trained by wrestling a bull, so was clearly into freaky shit.

“It is my conclusion as an academic that we must follow our forefathers’ and return to a tradition of total Olympic nudity in every event. I urge Mr Coe to reply to my letters.”

And so today’s Olympics are a travesty of lycra which must be corrected as soon as possible for the benefit of everyone.

Next week: to 1485, when a dying Richard III was reassured his violent death would live on as a mnemonic for the colours of the rainbow.