The Archbishop of Canterbury on... how d'you think they get dressage horses to prance around like dicks?

26th July 2024

WAKING with a feeling of wellbeing, elation and high self-esteem, I reflect on what led to this happy condition. Oddly, it was my private physician, who suggested that despite my liver having recently been harvested from a plane crash victim of abstemious habits, I might consider addressing my alcoholic intake.

‘What time of the day do you start drinking?’ he asked me. ‘Twelve o’clock,’ I replied. ‘Why not try starting at one? As of tomorrow. And then we can progress from there.’

And so, the very next day, as the clock struck twelve, I forbore from reaching for the vodka bottle. It was a battle, a great battle, but I held out for a full hour. Finally, at 1am, with a ‘Yabba dabba doo!’, I cracked open a bottle of spirits, downing it, as they say, in one. A triumph for the virtue of self-restraint.

Duly swaddled in a feeling of virtue, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Labour fought off an amendment seeking to lift children out of poverty, and suspended Labour MPs who voted for it. One Labour member, Joshua Caulfield, posted a selfie showing dozens of euphoric party members to celebrate the vote.

Yeah, because that’s the fucking main thing, isn’t it? Your fucking faction won! Anyone who wanted a few hundred thousand kids to not skip meals can get fucked! Losers! This is our day! We’ll feed kids when the time is fucking right, in a few months’ time, pending review! You wretched bunch of fucking Dickensian cunts! Take a look at yourselves, partying over fucking malnutrition! That’s if you fucking ghouls even have reflections!

Dressage rider Charlotte Dujardin, touted as an Olympic ‘golden girl’, has been dismissed from the team after footage emerged of her repeatedly whipping her horse. There have been calls for dressage to be banned.

Well, that’d be a fucking shame, wouldn’t it? Ban it? Of course they should fucking ban it, the same as they banned dancing bears and boxing kangaroos at the fucking circus! How the fuck d’you think they get horses to prance around like dicks without whipping the fucking shit out of them? ‘PRANCE, YOU FUCKING HUNK OF NEIGHING SHIT, OR YOU’LL BE SHIPPED OFF IN CANS TO FUCKING BELGIAN SUPERMARKETS! STOMP ONE HOOF FOR YES, TWO HOOVES FOR NO!’

British marathon star Paula Radcliffe has expressed concern that transgender athletes might have an unfair advantage over women, and apologised for wishing ‘good luck’ to a Dutch volleyball player and convicted rapist allowed to play for the national team.

Well, you’ve sent out an important warning about the trans athletes competing at the Olympics, all fucking zero of them. Yes, we should be very, very concerned! Especially after the 2020 Olympics were ruined by a whole one trans athlete, who came fucking last in the weightlifting! You may as well worry about the danger of swimmers putting motorboat engines down the back of their trunks to gain an unfair advantage! With this and wishing all the best to an unrepentant rapist, it’s as embarrassing as when you shat yourself during a race on fucking TV!

Finally, Robert Jenrick has thrown his hat into the ring as future Tory leader. ‘The British people need to be convinced that we are the most responsible and competent party of government for us to have any chance of winning in 2029,’ said Jenrick’s campaign manager.

Hahaha, good fucking luck with that, you greased lump of Tory fuck-fudge! It’ll be about 300 fucking years before the public forget what an absolute superfatted sow’s arse you made of running the country, syphoning everything off to your fucking mates and organising discos against the backdrop of fucking Covid funerals! We can just watch and laugh as you figure out which of you fucking clowns is going to drive the backfiring car round the circus of fucking irrelevancy that is the Tory party in 2024!

'The early bird catches the worm' and other proverbs I don't understand. By Orlando Bloom

25th July 2024

ORLANDO Bloom, noted thespian, Mr Katy Perry and former elf, reveals the everyday proverbs which continue to leave him baffled.

A picture is worth a thousand words

On the set of The Lord of the Rings, I asked Peter Jackson to explain this proverb to me on every of the 438 days of principal photography. You’d think as an Oscar-winning director he’d know, but apparently not, and eventually his PA put a ‘cease and desist’ letter under my trailer door. To be on the safe side, I burnt all my books and now only look at pictures of books. Which I’m pretty sure is the gist of it. So it’s all good.

A watched pot never boils

It definitely does. I decided to test this claim myself. In fact I spent a large part of 2018-2020 doing so. Which also explains the large gap in my CV. I started by boiling one pot, then two, then up to a dozen on three cookers side by side. And watched every single one without blinking. My agent said I was mad. But consider this one debunked. A watched pot DOES boil. Or my name isn’t Orlando Jonathan Blanchard Copeland Bloom.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink

I’ve never read a proverb I’ve understood or used successfully in a sentence, and this one is particularly useless. I’m allergic to horses. Next.

The early bird catches the worm

Who am I in this proverb? The bird? Or what… a worm? You’ve got to be kidding me. I didn’t work my arse off for 20 years carving out an acclaimed acting career to be spoken to like that. You’ll be hearing from my legal team.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you

This one is just good general advice. I mean, don’t bite anyone. Ever. It’s common sense. One possible exception is in the bedroom, if your partner consents and is extremely persistent. But I’m more of a back-to-basics lover. Kiss, slip in a tongue, sneaky tit grab, feed the pony, stick it in, missionary, cry for an hour, cuddle. Don’t mess with a classic. As for the proverb – haven’t got the foggiest.

Two heads are better than one

Absolute bollocks. Try getting a patchy career as a leading man who hasn’t made a decent film since 2014 if you have TWO HEADS. There’s not a casting director in town who’d return your calls. You might have got a part in The Greatest Showman, but that bunch of freaks haven’t worked since. I include Zac Efron in that.

The pen is mightier than the sword

Perhaps if it’s one of those pens you turn upside down and the lady’s clothes come off. But in all other cases I’d prefer to have a big f**k off sword. Or a bow and arrow, like I had in The Lord of the Rings. Did I mention I was in those? Basically it was me who saved Middle Earth because if we’d lost the Battle of Helm’s Deep the orcs would have gone back and got Frodo. Anyway, what I wanted to say was: Peter Jackson, if you’re reading this can you email me about the thousand words thing? Thanks.

Laughter is the best medicine

Now this one I do get. Which is why I no longer take any forms of medicine.