Politics

THE new lie told by all the lying f**kers enriching themselves in the name of government is ‘Boris was not there’.

A POSH girl finds it absolutely hilarious that you had a shit lonely Christmas last year while she and all her mates had a big party.

MIDDLE-AGED middle-class affluent recreational class A drug users are your f**king voter base, they have explained to the prime minister.

THE prime minister has promised that his weekend residence will be open to the general public for a mass UK Christmas piss-up in December.

SAJID Javid has said Britons should ‘snog who they wish’ under the mistletoe this Christmas. Here the health secretary explains how he’s snogged loads of girls, honest.

LAST Christmas, while you stayed indoors, the Downing Street spads were having it large. Here’s what you did and they did laid out in a simple timeline: 

BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.