subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sometimes you have to know when to quit with dignity, ghost of Hitler tells Johnson

THE ghost of Adolf Hitler has advised Boris Johnson that sometimes you need to know when you are beaten. 

The shade of the former Führer has risen from the underworld to suggest to the prime minister that vowing to fight to the very end is all well and good, but take it from him, it is not always the best course. 

He continued: “Come on, my blond-haired friend. You know I wouldn’t mislead you. Even my enemies would agree I’m a pretty straight-talking kind of guy. 

“You know what? Sometimes you have big plans and they go wrong. I know how it is. I dreamed of a thousand-year Reich and what did I get in the end? 12 measly years. Then there was all that nastiness at the end.

“From one wannabe World King to another, sometimes you have to cut your losses. If I could have quit the bunker and written columns for the Telegraph I would. 

“Remember when we were watching Scarface during our last movie night? Remember how he ended up? I didn’t choose that movie by chance. I hoped maybe you could learn from it.” 

Johnson said: “Normally Hitler talks good sense, but resign? Just when I’m on the brink of turning this around and winning the next election in a landslide?”

DUP adds customs checks to 'dinosaurs' and 'gays' on 'Things That Don't Exist' list

AFTER the decision to stop customs checks on goods entering Northern Ireland, the ultra-conservative DUP has added the NI Protocol to its long list of things it does not believe in. 

The minister of agriculture, former DUP leader and young earth creationist Edwin Poots, ordered officials to halt checks on goods entering the province that were introduced following Brexit, which he vocally supported.

Speaking after the resignation of Northern Ireland’s first minister Paul Givan over the matter, Poots said: “The DUP prides itself on not compromising our beliefs over such petty things as international protocols and facts.

“The Northern Ireland Protocol has been a disgrace. Thankfully, the DUP have a long tradition of ignoring what some might call ‘real’ reality in favour of our own alternate, and for us, better, reality.

“As such, we’re going to simply pretend that the protocol doesn’t exist – just like we do with dinosaurs, gays, and the civic concerns of Catholics.

“When God created the United Kingdom and put it at the centre of the world 4,000 years ago, you can be pretty certain he never intended for Brexit to turn out like this.”

Next story ›