Politics

AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only  keeps voting Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism.

CONFUSED by the changes to the social care cap? Find out how it will f**k you over with our guide.

POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk.

HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.

THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs will be allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London.

ALL rail, road and footpath links to Leeds are to be severed permanently from the end of 2021, the government has announced.

NAIVE dickheads are speculating whether Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority on lies and illegal shit, can survive a few corrupt mates.

THE Tory sleaze scandal does not have as much knee-trembling action as its name suggests, according to a disappointed public.

LABOUR and SNP MPs who were so pissed when they arrived for an event in Gibraltar that one was in a wheelchair have sent their parties soaring in the polls.

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