Politics

THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.

ARE you a Tory MP? Have you written your letter to the 1922 Committee yet? Here is an easy template to follow: 

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

IN 2020 Priti Patel said she’d call the police to report a neighbour holding a party but now she’s defending Boris Johnson’s. Here’s her guide to whether a party breaks the law.

FOLLOWING Boris Johnson’s admission that he ‘believed implicitly’ that 30 people in the garden drinking was a work event, all work is bring your own booze from 1pm today.

THE Conservative government appears to have been having it large throughout lockdown. But which type of booze would which politician favour?

THE summer of 2020. For many it was a time of Covid, of lockdowns, of furlough. But I and a hundred close colleagues will always remember it as our party summer.

WE’VE all sent sly texts blatantly intended to bring in a massive favour or get a freebie. But how do yours compare with Boris Johnson’s?