INFLATION rampant? Exports dropping? Sterling completely f**ked? Here’s how to discuss it without mentioning the red, white and blue elephant in the room.
It’s the war
There’s a war on and Grant Shapps is inches away from wearing a khaki tin helmet on BBC Breakfast. The war has affected gas prices. Consequently none of this is anything to do with the B-word and it’s all Russia’s fault, and its many London-based oligarchs who financially supported the Leave campaign. Oh. Shit.
Everyone’s in the same boat
There’s inflation across Europe, which proves it’s not a Britain-specific problem and not because of something Britain, specifically, did. Why, across the whole Eurozone it’s forecast to reach 6.2 per cent this year, while in Britain it’s already nine per cent for reasons we don’t need to go into.
At least everyone can get a job
This isn’t like the bad old days of 1982 when millions were out of work. In fact there are more jobs than there are people to fill them, thanks to a shortage of foreign workers for some inexplicable reason, which means wages are going up and it’s impossible to control inflation. F**king hell.
The weak pound actually helps
It’s actually great that the pound’s so weak because it increases exports which reduces inflation. So this will all sort itself out unless some kind of political restriction has been placed on exports to our closest neighbours meaning they can’t go up, increasing inflationary pressure. You know what, let’s move on.
It’s the Bank’s fault
Bloody Bank of England, not raising interest rates massively last year. Why, if they’d increased everyone’s mortgages by six per cent or so then we wouldn’t be in this terrible inflationary mess now. And that’s nothing to do with Britain proudly regaining its sovereignty! Ha! I mean, it’s bollocks, but still.
