LOOKING for a policy that will tear headlines away from your cost-of-living ineptitude for a day? Try spinning the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator! Just follow these instructions…
Choose a hate figure
First, find a group of people who tabloid newspapers despise. Select one of the following at random:
Immigrants – Islington lawyers – Cocaine users – Benefit claimants – Students – Civil servants – Foreigners (European) – Foreigners (non-white) – Luvvies – the House of Lords – Gary Lineker
Second, choose at random an issue you’re blaming them for. There does not need to be any pre-existing or logical connection between the two.
Energy costs – Partygate – Cancel culture – Crime – Queuing at Post Offices – Working from home – Weather – Denigrating Churchill – Littering – Climate change – BBC repeats – Gary Lineker
Finally, choose a ludicrous, impractical, and vicious action to take. Don’t worry, this will never actually happen, but it will be deranged enough to make the front page of the Express.
Deporting to Rwanda – Banning from social media – Taking their passports – Fines of £10,000 – Unilaterally rewriting the Protocol – Confiscating their cheese – Removing their human rights – Firing them – Putting them on prison ships – Moving them to Stoke-on-Trent – Dressing them in pink and putting them on chain gangs – Firing them in a rocket into the sun – Gary Lineker
So, as a test exercise, choosing 4-8-1 comes up with a policy of punishing [benefit claimants] responsible for [climate change] by [deporting them to Rwanda].
Let’s put that headline in front of 77-year-old Conservative voter Susan Traherne, who says:
“Bloody right. And not before time. That’ll teach them for carbonating our atmosphere. We never had fizzy drinks in the war. We was happy with Tree Top squash.”
The cost-of-living crisis is now completely forgotten and you can carry on doing nothing about it.
