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Brexit finally overseen by man of the people

THE British public is relieved that straight-talking man of the people Jacob Rees-Mogg is delivering the people’s Brexit they voted for.

After years of mismanagement by overqualified Theresa May and policy wonk Boris Johnson, the people of Britain are overjoyed that Brexit is in the hands of someone who can relate to the struggles of the common man.

Donna Sheridan of Sheffield said: “It was feeling like Brexit only served multi-millionaire Old Etonian hedge-fund owners who didn’t give a toss about the man on the street. Thank God for Jacob Rees-Mogg, their polar opposite.

“There’s an MP who understands truckers, farmers, low-income families and all those Brexit hits hardest. A man you could have a pint of heavy and a fag with outside a town centre Wetherspoons.”

Digger operator Wayne Hayes agreed: “My vote was always anti-establishment, and who’s more anti-establishment than the Jake? He’s an outsider like I am, though in his case it’s not because of his criminal record.

“He’s a ground-level guy. He’ll spot all the opportunities those fancy nose-in-the-air economists missed. And all the rewards will go to places like Doncaster that he holds so close to his heart.

“I wonder if he reads the Daily Sport like I do? Probably. He’s one of us.”

How to prove to your partner you always have it worse than them

THE rock-solid foundation of any successful relationship is a never-ending battle to prove you’re the most shat on. Employ these tactics:

Make noise

There’s no point doing a household chore unless your lazy, shiftless partner can hear the effort you’re making. Take out the bins like you’re in West End hit Stomp, empty and fill the dishwasher with more clattering than dinner in Beauty and the Beast, and complain throughout. Make the music of suffering.

Fall asleep often

Provide solid evidence of your gruelling days by falling asleep often and obviously at the breakfast table, halfway up the stairs, in the shower and mid-conversation. When roused, blame your partner for doing nothing apart from in bed, where they either selfishly initiate sex, snore or steal the sheets.

Stagger

Never move from place to place unless you’re dragging your exhaustion-crippled carcass from room to room to a constant soundtrack of groans. Even sitting on the sofa is too much for your weary bones to handle. And it’s all their fault for never hoovering.

Invite their parents over

It’s always good to remind your partner of the lifelong nightmare they’ve condemned you to, while eliciting sympathy from your mother-in-law as you labour under the yoke of supporting their ingrate child. Expect lots of hushed admonishments to ‘clean up after yourself, she looks drained.’

List tasks

The only conversation you can summon is an endless list of tasks: those you’ve completed that day, at great personal cost, and those languishing undone because you’re too fatigued and literally nobody is helping you. Your partner will retaliate with their own, but you’re too tired to listen.

Spell it out

Communication is key, so how will your partner ever know how crushingly hard life is for you if you don’t tell them? Use anything from passive-aggressive reminders like ‘I’ve put your folded washing on the bed darling’ to ‘I’m too tired to choose what to watch’ to screaming ‘IT’S WORSE FOR ME’ into their face.

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