Politics

THE prime minister has confirmed that he disregarded reports that Chris Pincher was a sex molester because he was at no point a victim himself.

STRUGGLING to block out the mental image of Carrie Johnson doing… you know? Follow this advice.

THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.

PARLIAMENT has agreed they would not have silenced anti-Brexit campaigner Steve Bray if he had mixed it up occasionally with a dubstep set.

SCOTLAND is once again acting like living next door to England under English rule is not an entirely positive experience.

THE UK has announced and outlined in full its plan to break international law, as all successful criminals routinely do before committing crimes.

IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit.

BORIS Johnson is planning a third term in office, unaware that he’s f**ked. But a competent evil genius would be a better leader than any of the actual options.

MY high-profile job is at risk because I’ve surrounded myself with inept morons and pathetic toadies who are slowly turning against me. How can I lift my flagging spirits?

PRESIDENT Zelensky, who has just noted the UK by-election results on international news, knows exactly who this is calling on the phone.