Politics

ANDREW Lansley is to be toured across the nation as its officially-appointed hate sponge.

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is stuck on Level 2-3 of Angry Birds, with a similarly poor performance at Fruit Ninja.

TRANSPORT Secretary Justine Greening believes there is currently some sort of legal limit to how fast Britons can go on the motorway, it has emerged.

NICK Clegg's mother has written to David Cameron's mother demanding an end to the cruel taunting of her son.

FEVERED Tories are to have the purpose of the crucial Euro summit explained to them as slowly as it takes.

THE government's plan to wipe out Britain's deficit using little bits of discarded soap is not going well, David Cameron has revealed.

THERESA May relaxed passport checks as she assumed that foreign criminals looked like enormous moustachioed sea creatures, it has emerged.

THE leaders of the G20 nations are undercover anarchists who have deliberately destroyed the West's capitalist economy, it has emerged.

TRADE Unions are to press ahead with pension strikes because the strikes are not about pensions and never have been, it was confirmed last night.

BARONESS Thatcher has agreed to meet Sarah Palin if she can whack her with a big stick every time she says something stupid.