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North Sea oil demands independence from Scotland

THE North Sea’s oil and gas fields have mounted a campaign to cut all ties with Scotland and govern themselves.

The region, inhabited only by haggard porn addicts on oil rigs, would instantly be one of the world’s richest countries per capita and a perfect low-tax residence for major Conservative Party donors.

Oil well Tom Booker, who holds 2.6 million barrels, said: “We’ve had enough of Edinburgh draining us dry.

“At first I was like yeah, sure I got more crude than I need, but they go deeper and deeper and take and take and give nothing in return.

“What if we need all that oil and gas for something, for example the volcanic eruption which will crack the crust of the Earth and awaken giant monsters we’ve got planned for 2019?”

The natural resources of the North Sea have agreed that Dogger Bank will be their capital, which should boost tourism, and that they will keep the pound and all the other millions of pounds.

If successful, the change will mean that anyone venturing into the sea from Scottish beaches will need a passport, as well as a wetsuit and a hypothermia team on standby.

SNP leader Alex Salmond begged: “Please, please, not the oil. Please don’t take it. We love it so, so much.”

England 'will find a way to fail'

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has said he is determined that England will find a credible way to not succeed in Euro 2016.

After drawing San Marino, Estonia and a rocky outcrop in the Atlantic containing half a dozen puffins, there are fears that England cannot deliver the usual levels of under-achievement without looking like they’re taking the piss.

Hodgson said: “Euro 2016 has been extended to allow 24 countries, principalities and sea forts to appear in the finals, making competition to be the worst team more intense than ever.

“Clearly victory is not an option but the question is how, with the odds so terrifyingly stacked in our favour, to fail without resorting to slapstick.

“I’m considering some sort of hypnosis or remote-controlled genital electrodes to punish goal-scoring.”

Hodgson will have to decide if the experienced inanity of players like Gerrard and Lampard can see them squeak past teams of middle-aged bus conductors, or whether to turn to England’s new generation of idiots.

With the finals just two years away, the England camp will want to get off to as disastrous a start as possible before just about scraping though on goal difference after the final qualifier.

Hodgson said: “It’s going to be tough but I think if you ask any Liverpool fan they’ll tell you that I can plumb any footballing depths I put my mind to.”

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