Politics

MPs have pledged that voters will never again be given the power to actually change anything.

DAVID Cameron has listed more than 400 Scottish things, including Take The High Road, Finlays Crisps and Runrig, in a final desperate plea for the Union.  

ALEX Salmond has told Ed Miliband to 'button it' after the Labour leader tried to expose his epic scam.

THE prime minister has complained that Cornish surfing is dominated by a clique of wealthy public schoolboys.

UKIP voters have insisted they did not sign up for a party that was going to include politicians who could almost pass for normal.

THE Tory MP who defected to UKIP has asked when he gets his free golliwog.

GOVERNMENT cuts affect poor people less because they like horrible cheap shit, the Conservatives have explained.

NIGEL Farage has confirmed UKIP's general election manifesto will be printed as an optical illusion.

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

UKIP has asked for clarification on whether ‘casual racism’ is the same as ‘proper racism’.