DAVID Cameron is to tackle obesity by chasing every overweight person in Britain through a shower room whilst flicking their buttocks with a damp towel.
The prime minister said: “Those who cannot work because they are overweight will also have to endure the crushing indignity of being whipped naked around a gymnasium changing room by me, as I shriek ‘Get back here, butterball!’ at the top of my lungs.
“This kind of treatment worked wonders for chubbers back in the showers at Eton, and I see no reason why it can’t cut British obesity levels in half by 2016.
“It will save the taxpayer millions in annual welfare costs, although we will obviously have to allocate a new chunk of funding to the bulk buying of damp towels. Those things wear out easily – especially the way I flick them.”
He added: “Those who do not feel comfortable being whipped naked through the showers can have the alternative choice of a chinese burn, dead leg or a ‘swirlie’, which is where I hold you upside down by your ankles and dunk your head in the toilet while flushing it.”
