Politics

THERESA May has promised to be a steady hand on the tiller before fucking up hugely on her first day in charge.

THERESA May is 'definitely not' a robot made from scrap metal by a spiteful wizard.

ANGELA Eagle is a less viable leader of the Labour Party than haphazard ski jumper Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards, it has been confirmed.

THERESA May has told the portrait of Margaret Thatcher that hangs in her living room that she was too kind-hearted.

Economy: Get. A. Fucking. Job.

DAVID Cameron has admitted the story about him inserting his penis into a pig’s head is ‘completely true’.

THERESA May has warned all citizens that late registration will not be tolerated.

ANDREA Leadsom has apologised for her controversial ‘motherhood’ comments, insisting she just has incredibly poor judgement and no empathy for other people.

JEREMY Corbyn has backed Andrea Leadsom to be Tory leader on the grounds that unelectable radicals should stick together.

BRITAIN is to start the weekend early in celebration of Michael Gove’s pathetic failure.