Britain anxiously awaiting verdict of handful of people who can be arsed to vote

BRITAIN is waiting with bated breath for the verdict of the few people in Stoke and Copeland who can be arsed to vote, it has been confirmed.

The leadership of the Labour Party, the value of the pound and the government’s Brexit strategy are all dependent on a handful of voters getting up, scratching their buttocks, getting dressed and deciding that they might as bloody well.

Stoke resident Tom Logan said: “It’s obviously a big deal for politics and all that. As for me, I’ve left my polling card on top of the microwave and can’t be fucked to go back.

“There will be a big fuss about Stoke on Newsnight tonight, at which point my mate Dave will say ‘Oh. Was that today?’”

Norman Steele, from Copeland, added: “It’s a bit windy, and they’re all useless anyway. But I might do it later on when I take the dog for a shit.”

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Brexit optimism highest among people who love setting fire to things

PEOPLE who love starting fires and watching others run for their lives are the most upbeat about Brexit, it has emerged.

As relations between Britain and the EU continue to deteriorate, researchers found that support for Theresa May’s strategy was highest among fans of utter chaos and destruction.

Mary Fisher, from Hastings, said: “All I want from life is to instill fear while cackling like a maniac, so I’m delighted that the government is finally listening to people like me.”

Roy Hobbs, from Leeds, added: “When politicians say Brexit means Brexit, all it does is muddy the waters and make it harder for us to get a deal. As someone who relaxes by setting fire to things, I think that’s great.

“I want Theresa May to trigger Article 50. And then try to un-trigger it. And then break off negotiations altogether, and then call a general election.

“Look at how the flames dance. Isn’t it beautiful?”

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