Politics

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

A MAN somehow believes that arch-wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg is a brilliant individual who would make an excellent prime minister.

BRITONS will be empowered to demand the papers of anyone a bit foreign-looking after Brexit, a leak has revealed. 

JACOB Rees-Mogg is favourite to be the new Tory leader because Britain votes for whatever is funny, it has confirmed.

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted that even he is not self-righteous and smug enough to become a vegan. 

DAVID Davis is to get through the next round of Brexit negotiations by cupping his hand to his ear and pretending he is unable to hear.

A LATE-SUMMER wasp in a kitchen has reassured the electorate that it is here for the long-term.

THERESA May has been returned to her Japanese manufacturers Hitachi for a full factory upgrade.  

SCOTTISH Labour leader Kezia Dugdale has quit to wander her native land as a scorned prophet whose warnings of imminent destruction will be ignored.