Politics

THE prime minister has responded to the northern rail crisis by ordering locals off trains and back on narrowboats where they belong. 

ONLY 17 immense Brexit problems have emerged in the last 24 hours, an upbeat Theresa May has confirmed.

THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

THE UK will remain in the customs union with the EU for the short period of time it takes to get a fully-functioning moon base established.  

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

PARLIAMENT has voted to continue following orders from Britain’s newspapers or face having their heads metaphorically kicked in.  

THE House of Lords has shocked Britain by being full of senile old bastards who are not backing Brexit. 

BORIS Johnson has decided he may as well just tell the prime minister to piss off.

TORIES are concerned the government is so bogged down in Brexit it does not have time to destroy the rest of the fabric of society.  

THE UK has refused to hand a clear local election victory to either Labour or the Conservatives because both of them are pretty toss.