Politics

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess.

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis.

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam.

I HAVE always been a great admirer of Winston Churchill. I wrote a biography of him. I have considered myself his modern equivalent. I may have been wrong.

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything.

AS prime minister, let me say I am bloody pissed off. This was meant to be my year. Here’s what you as Britons can do to not upset me further.

DURING the budget you may have noticed that Tory spending is fine but Labour's was not. Here Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why.