Politics

BORIS Johnson has pledged the city of Carlisle to Wetherspoons to thank boss Tim Martin for his Brexit campaigning.

THE third of Britain that does not give a sh*t about politics is having a delightful festive day filled with Yuletide joy. 

ARE you suffering through work sober until you can start drinking to cope with the tension of waiting for the election result? Here’s how to deal with it.

DO you need regular medicine from the NHS? If the Tories win it might be a good idea to ask for a chemistry set to make it yourself. Here are some other gift ideas.

BRITAIN will quit the European Union because a massive, blond-haired child says so.

THE UK has woken up and grimly set out to do its democratic duty by voting for an irredeemable f**king twat. 

BRITAIN is today remembering all the cool things that have happened under Tory rule since 2010.

GOOD day. My message to you, on the final day before the general election, is stop buggering around and vote for me, you little sh*ts.

IN this election, nobody is in any doubt about what the Lib Dems stand for. And, on reflection, that was our fatal mistake.

HELLO. I’ve spent more than 30 years being right about absolutely everything and, in tomorrow’s general election, you have the chance of a lifetime to join me.