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Boris Johnson's latest half-arsed half-measures that will do f**k-all

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything. They are: 

Discouraging theatre visits

The London-based government’s assumption that Britons regularly visit the theatre was already wildly inaccurate, but even then stopped short of actually closing theatres. Johnson merely tried to put everyone off by reading a list of Shakespeare’s comedies.

Saying ‘Don’t go to the pub’ 

Pubs stay open, continuing to sell thirst-quenching alcoholic drinks to anyone with a relaxed attitude to their long-term health. Their regulars have already been told not to go to the pub many, many times. They do not tend to listen.

Advising over-70s to stay indoors

Having recently won an election by banking on pensioners’ propensity to ignore all warnings of disaster, Johnson is now attempting to cut them off from their watercolour classes. Large groups of over-70s will convene later today to say what a ninny he is being.

Warning against non-essential travel or contact

A nation that believes it essential to rack up credit card debt to wear T-shirts with CHANEL on has a very flexible definition of the word ‘essential’, one that will certainly encompass visiting Alton Towers at the height of a pandemic because there won’t be any queues.

Work from home if possible

Official advice for everyone to work from home will be followed by all those who can, which is less than half the country. The rest have been advised that they should have moved upstairs into admin way sooner.

Only use the NHS when you need to

You know on a Friday night, when everyone’s had a few drinks and you go gang-handed down to your local hospital’s endoscopy department to see who’s got the best-looking lower bowel? That has to stop.

Recommending everyone cancel everything while keeping f**king schools open

There’s no reasoning behind this one.

Five shitty places for holidaying in Britain now you can't go abroad

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

The Isle of Wight

How could you be upset about missing out on a Caribbean holiday when this island paradise offers attractions such as a donkey sanctuary, dinosaur bones and a model village? A swim in the icy sea will soon banish thoughts of disappointment as your brain enters survival mode.

Cardiff

You won’t miss sipping sangria in a tapas bar in Spain when you’re chugging pints in one of the UK’s top binge-drinking destinations. Unlike foreign cities, there’s nothing you won’t understand on the food menu, because there is no food menu. If you’re hungry you just haven’t drunk enough yet – you can crawl home via ‘Chip Alley’ later. Just watch out for the vomit!

Margate

If this famous seaside resort was good enough for families and fun-lovers in the Sixties, it should be good enough for you now. Except it really isn’t. But don’t worry, with average temperatures sitting at 17.5 degrees even in the height of summer, you’ll be too cold to register how much of a rundown shit-hole it is.

The Scottish Highlands

Simply tell yourself that your midge bites are mosquito bites and your fleece-lined raincoat is a swimming costume and it’ll be like holidaying in the Italian Lakes, with no need to waste money on suncream. As a bonus, if you’re English you’ll be able to bask in the sense that the locals hate you, bringing back happy memories of holidays in France. 

Center Parcs

If you want to spend as much as a round-the-world trip costs, why not book a grubby villa at a Center Parcs? Never has organised fun come at such a high price nor in the company of such excessive crowds. Just wait until you lose a tooth or break a rib in the rapids – then it really will become a holiday to remember!

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